drawn into His dance

I turned 25 a couple of weeks ago & I'm pretty excited about it, enjoying this new stage of life now that I'm--dum dum dum--halfway through my twenties, haha. Anyway, there were lots of fun birthday wishes/calls/cards that were special, but I received one call from my friend, Andrea that just really touched my heart. She called later in the evening & left me a message. She said that she had been at her house that night dancing & worshiping the Lord when she couldn't get me out of her mind. She said she almost felt like I was there dancing with her & started to wonder what I was up to that night on my birthday. She said that she kept hearing the phrase "He calls you beautiful" over and over in her mind and that the Lord was drawing me into His dance. As she was hearing that phrase, she just felt compelled to call me & tell me she was thinking & praying for me. Then she said that I'm being drawn into a wonderful dance with the Lord, that He's calling me beautiful, and that He loves to be with me. She said she was just feeling that so clearly and so real right then that she wanted to tell me.

Wow. How precious is that? How much more real is God when he's putting you on other's minds/hearts and speaking to you through them. The optimistic side of me wants to accept it as a blessing and feel so important that He cares enough to take other people's time to speak to me. The pessimistic side of me wonders if He spoke through Andrea because I'm not listening? I hope that's not the case, but it is possible.

Either way, it doesn't really matter. I think what does matter is that regardless of what's going on & how I'm feeling about myself or how I think others feel about me, I can rest assure that my Savior loves me. He wants to spend time with me. He thinks I'm beautiful. He is pleased with His creation. Who is more mighty that could I desire to please? None.

black & white

ok i started this one a while back, so it will probably start with some thoughts of a couple of weeks ago, then go to now...

i heard a sermon on character, specifically daniel's character in chapter 6. then i had a conversation with a friend about 2 kings 18 & 19, where king hezekiah trusted the Lord to deliver Israel out of the hands of Assyria when Assyria had defeated all of the surrounding countries, some more powerful. you may fail to see the correlation, but i left church yesterday morning thinking about what it means to have character. the points the pastor pointed out are:

• does not inflate the ego
• has congruent words & actions
• has a set of non-negotiables
• hears & tells the truth
• shows respect & manners

i think the point that stuck out to me the most was having a set of non-negotiables. i mean, in theory i know exactly what i believe & would like to think in situations that i will stick to them, but this does not necessarily prove true. this lesson leads me to believe that there is a black & white. i know it sounds stupid, but i don't get that. i don't get how something can hold true or be the right decision or thought in all situations. is that just me being selfish because i want to make the decisions i want to make & not feel bad about it? i don't know.

the above point was the last sermon series at my church. now there's one about how each of us are ministers. i know this to be true in theory, but what it really says to me is that i'm supposed to take on a lot of responsibility that i'm not sure i really want, to be honest. it's our responsibility to set an example & to remember that even if we don't realize it, there's always someone looking up to you to know what's ok & your decisions are always affecting more than just yourself. how can this really be true?! in less than a week i will be 25 years old. i live alone. i interact with people at will. i feel like most things i do in my life only affect me. granted, obviously i know that things i do at work or with my family or whatever affects them, that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about the other decisions. what i do with my friends & where i go. like when i "screw up", am i really affecting another person's life too? what if they are involved in said screw up? i don't think i blame or judge them for my decision. i make my own decisions. so how do i know if the people i'm around are really people who take responsibility for their own choices or will in some way blame me for their poor judgement?

i'm leading a small group for freshman girls & am scared to death that they are going to ask me what to do in a situation that i, at 25, still don't handle correctly. do i just give them the textbook answer & conceal that i, too, deal with that issue or do i get more personal & let them know they aren't alone, hoping they don't lean on that as an excuse to make wrong decisions like me? again, i don't know. this is where i'm confused about what's right. ideally, all people in leadership wouldn't make mistakes, but i don't see that happening anytime soon. i want to be a woman of character, i do, but right now that just sounds boring. it sounds too grown up. it sounds like i wouldn't get to have fun anymore & like no one would want to be around me.

welcome to my mind. :)

sensitivity

couple of random thoughts as of late:

first of all, the other day i was driving to the bank when i saw a commotion on the opposite side of the street. as i approached, i assumed it was a car accident, but upon closer inspection realized that a man was laying on his back in the middle of the street, his motorcycle about 20 feet away on it's side. people were gathered around him & a woman had taken the responsibility of directing traffic. i don't think he was dead, but the sight had the strangest effect on me. i called 911 in case no one had. it's one of those completely helpless situations where you know you can't physically do anything to contribute, but you still want to. i wonder if people in the medical profession appreciate or resent their obligation to stop in such cases. anyway, so i knew the best thing i could do in this situation was pray for the man. the second i opened my mouth to pray, my eyes filled with tears & my throat closed up so that i couldn't speak. i had no idea what was happening--i don't know this man, i don't know if he's even dead, why am i so upset? i couldn't figure it out. finally i was able to utter about a sentence prayer, but i really couldn't stop crying.

since then i've been thinking and wondering about this. sometimes i can pass by an accident where i can clearly see that people are not ok & am ashamed at how numb i am to it & here i see that a man has fallen off his bike & i'm inconsolable. it makes me wonder if there's a reason for this, like some kind of discernment about the person's soul. i just wonder if at certain times where i seem super sensitive to a situation if something is going on in the spiritual that i can't see in the natural, but that my spirit is attuned to. who knows. this is not to say that the people in accidents who know Jesus don't need prayer just as much, of course. this is one of those things that i don't really know if it matters, but i think it's important to just be aware and open to the Holy Spirit speaking to me in this way. even if it's not him, it prompts me to send up some extra prayers & that can never hurt, ha.

second random thought. it kind of bugs me that girls get a bad rap for being overly sensitive. now, before you turn me off completely, let me explain. there are more than plenty of girls who have been the reason for this bad connotation, so i understand where it comes from, but i'm talking about truly sensitive & soft hearts. it's my belief that the Lord is able to mold you like clay when you are softened enough to be pliable. also, He's more able to speak to you & teach you when you are sensitive enough to hear His Spirit's quiet voice. when i was growing up, i never wanted people to see me cry because i thought it meant that i was weak or would at least be viewed that way (i sound kind of like a boy), but i never wanted to be viewed as a weakling of a girl who couldn't do anything or lift heavy things or wrestle or whatever. now it's kind of a battle in my mind. there's still a part of me that wants to appear as though i've got it all under control, i can handle my circumstances, and i don't need healing because i'm not hurt. i think it's safe to say this is my flesh because my spirit longs for healing & growth, knowing that with that will come growing pains, more hurt, and dreaded tears.

i've started to notice how many more things affect me emotionally now that i'm a little older. for instance, things i watch on tv. i am so affected by people's lives & what they're going through/thinking/feeling in these lives that don't even exist. i get completely wrapped up & find myself responding emotionally the way i would were i in the situation i'm watching. because of this, i have to be careful what i watch. things that remind me of unpleasantries in my past that caused some pretty major wounds tend to re-open them, opening the floodgates too.

recently a friend & i were having a conversation about the differences of men & women. he asked me what i would change. i think he was expecting me to go off as girls are prone to do, but i've given this a lot of thought, so my answer is a little different. if i had the option to change something, i would make men a little more complicated & women a little more simple. like it would be nice if they had to juggle 2 things on their mind instead 1 & if we could only juggle 4 things instead of 6. i don't think it's widely known that we don't want to be as complicated as we are, it's just the way that it is. i digress. anyway, so i said that, but i followed it with the fact that i know we are both made in God's image. if this is the case, then i have to believe that He truly created us to complement each other. i think that this was probably a lot easier in the garden of Eden before the Fall. i think that since we live in a fallen world with so much evil penetrating our lives & thoughts that this is much more difficult than ever intended, but still very possible. i have to believe there's a reason each of us has our strengths & weaknesses. i want to believe that my sensitivity will play a positive role in my marriage someday, whether in my compassion towards my husband or in prayer over major life decisions.

which brings me back to the sensitivity thing. i would like to marry someone who sees this trait as a positive one, who sees the fact that i cry at all weddings & births as cute or sweet, instead of irritating. i'm considering reading wild at heart again because i really want to be prepared when the Lord deems it the right time for me to partner in life with someone. i want to appreciate our differences & use them as something that draws us closer as we enjoy learning more about each other, not as something that causes bitterness, resentment, & disappointment. i don't want to sound completely idealistic, like everything in a relationship will go perfect because i'm trying to understand who i'm with? no. i know there will be anger, i know there will be confusion, and i know there will be disapointment. i'm just saying that i really desire to learn as much as i can now about men & how God created them so that i can hopefully go back to that when the other things creep in.

i think i was going somewhere else with this thought too, but i've been distracted several time & have lost my train of thought.

the eyes of Jesus

i love worship music. it's amazing how a song can be so sweet & peaceful & powerful & life-changing all at once. i think it's cool that groupings of words meant to praise our creator reflect His complexity.

you know when pastors or worship leaders say something like, "i want you to close your eyes & just picture looking into the face of Jesus"? whenever i look into the eyes of Jesus in my mind's eye, 3 distinct images of him come to mind. first, his face is very close up with soft brown eyes full of love like a gentle, caring father that you want to sit in His lap. then, i picture the figure described in revelation: eyes like fire, robe, sharp sword coming out of his mouth, sceptor in hand--fierce & ready for battle. finally, i picture what can best be compared to king triton from the little mermaid--a father king who fully embodies the power of the king that you wouldn't want to be against in a war, yet exhibits kind & gentle love towards his children.

so all of these things enter my mind when worshipping through song. i feel like the best way for me to concentrate on who i'm singing to & what i'm saying is to picture the eyes of Jesus. sometimes it's almost like i see a pair of eyes in the darkness of the back of my own eyelids, which provides such peace, comfort, & affirmation. i know my Savior is there with me & He is pleased.

i'm currently listening to a song by Jill Phillips that always really speaks to my heart because i think even the toughest of us desires to be comforted & loved by our creator. she has such a sweet voice and i think it just helps us to see the compassionate side of our maker.

here's the words:

oh gently lay your head upon my chest

and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

the tide can change so fast, but I will stay

the same through past, the same in future, same today

I am constant, I am near

I am peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy, I am wise

I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires

oh weary, tired and worn,

let out your sighs and drop that heavy load you hold 'cause Mine is light

I know you through and through;

there's no need to hide

I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

'cause I am constant, I am near

I am peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy, I am wise

I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires

oh gently lay your head upon my chest

and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

blessed union of souls

well, they did it! bonnie & dustin got married this weekend! i can't believe it, but it was such a beautiful thing! it's funny that right now what keeps reunions of old friends going is that there's a wedding every couple of months, ha...this one was especially beautiful, not just in the natural, but especially in the spiritual sense! they have such a "song of solomon" romance. dustin really felt like the Lord told him he would be with bonnie, and so he relentlessly pursued her for two years before it was time for them to be together--two years! i can't even imagine a man being willing to pursue his beloved without much hope in the natural for that long. wow. the reason i say it is a song of solomon romance is because that's the way Jesus pursues us, his bride. on the front of bonnie & dustin's program, it read "because He first loved". that's so true. the only reason we even know what love is or how to sort of do it is because He's showed us. i had the honor of singing in the wedding with bonnie's brother & a friend. the music that bonnie & dustin chose created such a beautiful picture of how Jesus pursues his "dark, yet lovely" chosen bride, calls her away with him, and romances her. the last couple of songs were scripture straight from revelation, which is so powerful, and hallelujah. they left to a song about dancing on the golden streets of heaven!! i get tears in my eyes when i think about it because i think they have figured out what this marriage thing is about--they will glorify the Lord more as one than apart, and they will be a stronger warrior for the army of the Lord than they could have ever been alone. that's it. that's the point, i think. glory for God and being kingdom-minded. love like this that will continue unswervingly despite roadblocks and hardships is what i want in a husband. someone who will pursue me as Jesus pursues me. it blesses my heart so much to be assured that bonnie is married to a man who will pursue and love her until death parts them. it was awesome to listen to people talk about the two of them this weekend during the rehearsal dinner, toasts, etc., and just to be so reassured that my friend, a precious jewel, will now be under the covering of such a worthy man of God. there's so many weddings that you leave with that kind of uneasy feeling about the union, but this was truly a blessed union of souls. (no pun intended, ha ;) )

selfishness & surrender

Well it’s the day after Easter & I’m feeling a little weird. Not really physically (although my voice hasn’t fully recovered from being sick a while back & I have a wedding to sing in this weekend—yikes) but more like I just feel weird in my heart.

Even though I’m not sure how feasible it is, I’m ready for my walk with the Lord to not be such a roller coaster. I think that ultimately we can achieve a consistently growing relationship with the Lord despite earthly circumstances, but I seem to let my earthly circumstances & selfishness affect my walk with the Lord, thus perpetuating the roller coaster cycle. I know that when I mess up, I should confess it, ask for forgiveness, pick myself up & move on, choosing to make difference choices when put in that situation again. This way I wouldn’t waste time, but instead I beat myself up for a few days & go into hiding from the Lord. This just makes the situation worse because it’s like deep down I know he’s just standing there with arms open like the father in the prodigal son parable, waiting for me to “come home” and I’m still standing far away hesitating because I’m not sure it’s ok for me to come home yet. I know the truth in my head. It seems that my heart may still believe some lies, though.

The past month or so has been an odd mixture of revelation from the Lord & poor/not God-honoring decisions. You know how “they” say that truly loving someone is a choice not based on feelings? Well, this is proving very true in my life. With every decision I make, it seems I’m choosing God or the world. I can choose to be selfish or honor Him. It was only recently that I realized how selfish I really am based on what kind of decisions I’m making. When I think of what I should do, a lot of time my argument against it starts with, “but I want…”. What the crap? I hate that! What does it matter what I want when ultimately the Lord knows what is best for me! Why don’t I trust that?! I know that “earthly pleasures” are so fleeting, and I want eternal! But for some reason I find myself choosing the emptiness of earth instead of the treasures of heaven. Ugh.

This past week I’ve heard two “sermons” that really spoke to me. One of them was on complete surrender & one of them was on resurrection power. Obviously the complete surrender one is self-explanatory, but he really just spoke truth with no “frills” and that’s how I learn best—truth straight from the Word. The resurrection power sermon was mostly about receiving “resurrection power” through your faith in trusting Jesus enough to let the areas of your life that you’re trying to get satisfaction from die. The resurrection comes in when you’re letting him bring life to all areas of your life, not striving to create true life with limited human capabilities. This sermon used the story from Luke 8 with the bleeding woman and the dead girl, both receiving resurrection power through faith.

I guess I’m not coming to any major conclusions here except that I do truly want to get all of my satisfaction in Jesus. That’s just proving to be really hard to live out sometimes. Also, when I am unfaithful to my Jesus, it makes me worry about what kind of wife I will be. Perhaps this is why the Lord has not brought the person I am to walk through life with yet, maybe He’s not done preparing me. Who knows? Obviously, I want to be fully prepared to love someone second to Jesus before I’m put in that position, I want to be in a place of drawing them nearer to the Lord through our relationship, and I don’t want to settle for just someone who is willing to give me attention, ha. All of this to say, if waiting longer means that I will be better prepared for my beloved, both in earthly & heavenly marriage, then so be it. He knows best & I need to remember that.

The picture of the rainbow represents hope.

Pat Green and Jesus

Let me just start by saying that I love music. The music I listen to is based solely on the mood of the moment, and it would suffice to say that there are few moods that Pat Green, (Three Days specifically) doesn’t satisfy. I always analyze the lyrics to songs, wondering what the author meant or was feeling when they wrote them. So as I’m listening to Pat Green, I noticed that he mentions Jesus a lot in his songs, not in vain, but in a personal way—I like that. I love Jesus, so it makes me happy to think that Pat might, too. Either way, I wanted to analyze some lyrics from this album that always stick out to me when listening.

Threadbare Gypsy Soul

“I can't change and it's a sin
Hope St. Peter gonna let me in
Come on Pete won't you let me in”

“I know this crazy living just ain't right
Most of the time I'm smoking, drinking, looking for a fight
But I've been talking to Jesus every day
I've been talking to Jesus every day”

“And I got this girl back home I call my wife
If you ever met her I swear she would change your life
She's gotta little wild streak in her heart
But she's been saying hallelujah every day”

“I can't change and it might be a sin
Hope St. Peter gonna let me in
Got my gypsy soul to bare, Amen”

This bugs me because it’s like he knows he’s not living in a way that honors Jesus, but seems to think he can beg Peter to let him into heaven? I know Peter’s “the rock” and all, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have anything to do with salvation, nor do I think he stands at the “gates of heaven.” I have no idea where this concept came from, but it makes me sad, but then Pat says that he’s been talking to Jesus everyday, kind of like he’s been doing better lately, and maybe understanding that a personal relationship with Jesus will change his desires for the way he wants to live his life? Next I want to know why he "calls" this girl his wife—is she actually his wife or what? I like how he praises her, but again it’s like he thinks: we’re all wild, but we can earn our way out of it in the end by saying a few prayers here and there after the fact. Finally, I wonder if there’s any reason he changed “it’s a sin” to “it might be a sin” in the last chorus. Who knows if he even thought much about any of it, ha.

Who’s to Say

“Yeah, I don't go to church too much,
but I know that Jesus truly loves me
And if he was here I'd be drinking beer and
Hanging out and saving all of my friends, Amen”

“I am my own at least until the Man come and take me home”

“she's been church more than Billy Graham
And she knows the Bible like the back of her hand
Yeah, but she drinks gin like it's going out of style
Oh, it makes me smile”

“I am my own at least until the angels come,angels gonna come and take me home”

I love the first phrase about Jesus truly loving him, and I, too, would like to think that if Jesus were here walking on earth right now that we’d go out for a beer—why not? Ok, is the “Man” Jesus? I don’t know because he’s talking about angels taking him home at the end. I think my favorite part about this song is that it’s just talking about how we all carry out our lives differently, but beyond the blatant right & wrong, who are we to judge each other, you know? This is such a hard topic because on the one hand, I hate legalistic Christianity, but that, too, can be taken to an opposite extreme that says do whatever you want, etc. I’m not condoning that you live however you want, obviously. I know there’s a standard that we’re held to, but I think that we’ve created way too many human standards that take away from the Lord’s intention with His, which promotes life to the fullest, not rules to take away fun.

Wrong Side of Town

“A guardian angel up in the sky
And make me believe you no hill for a climber
Ask me no questions and tell you no lies”

“Jesus was wrong about all the sinners
That we’d take a stump for a sign of the times
Running for shelter like nobody’s business
You don’t even notice the face of the sky”

So I’ve been attracted to books as of late that involve spiritual warfare, and I would really like to think that we each have a guardian angel. I’m just throwing it out there—I don’t think we really know either way, but I would like to think that. Secondly, I have no idea what this next verse means, but I think it just annoys me that he says Jesus was wrong.

We've All Got Our Reasons

“If I ever get to heaven and I got one question
Hope the Good Lord ain't offended
Gave me a world of pain between the cradle and the grave
Is that what was intended
I don't have to know why he put the stars in the sky
Or fooled with the changes of seasons
I guess we've all got our reasons”

I don’t think that the Lord is ever offended by our questions, but I have to say that’s a dumb question, Pat. If he knew the Lord’s character at all or had read Genesis 1, then he would know that it was never the Lord’s intention that we experience a “world of pain.” But, we live in a fallen world where Satan reigns for the time being, and where evil exists, pain follows. Yes it sucks, but there is victory in the end. Yay!

Count Your Blessings

Mama always said stand up to the truth
There ain’t no such thing as the fountain of youth
Two wrongs never made it right
Grass ain’t always greener on the other side
Better save your money for a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

Only Will Rogers never met a man he didn’t like
Always throw the first punch when it comes to a fight
It ain’t over till it’s over and the fat lady sings
Only quitters and losers throw the towel in the ring
Well I hope you ain’t working on a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

It’s a hush my mouth land sakes alive
I don’t believe that fishermen smell the same when they die
Never put the cart before the horse
Unless he knows how to push it of course
Seems like I’m always dreaming on a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

And it was grandpa who said son you can’t buy love
You can jump in with both feet, but don’t jump the gun
Stay out of trouble count your lucky stars
Never get drunk in two states inside the same bar
Seems like I’m always drinking on a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

Grandma who said silence is golden
You only answer to one he’s the almighty beholder
Bird in the hand is better than two in the nest
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch
Always save the loving for a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

Talk being cheap well I took their advice
And the older I get the more I know they were right
Works for me may not work for you
Everything I said was the goddang truth
Well I hope you ain’t lonely on a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

And they’re etched in my mind I can never forget ‘em
See it ain’t what you said just how you said it

Ok I just like this song because I think it’s hilarious, plus it also makes some excellent points. I’m impressed that so many “words of wisdom” can be combined to create one song while still rhyming! I think my two favorite lines are “I don’t believe fishermen smell the same when they die” (hahaha!) and “never get drunk in two states inside the same bar.” I would love to say that I went to a bar that sat on a state line. It would really help in my quest to visit all the states.

This may have been really boring, but every time I’m in my car listening to this cd, I think about what he’s saying or what he possibly means, and always want to look at the lyrics to see just how many times he talks about Jesus, so here it is. Now I can quit trying to remember what I think: it’s already out there, so I can just sit back and enjoy the song for what it is.

claim victory through imperfection

my thoughts, as promised:

man, all of this scripture & this teaching make me so excited! i love how straightforward the scripture is...obviously, the words in bold are what spoke to me the most (i.e. "will, till, when"), so i don't know exactly how they impact others, but there's just so much promise in those words, and we know the Lord is faithful to his promises! it's also so exciting to be able to already claim victory, for when we know the Lord's will, we can thank Him in advance for the completion of it!

here's what i kind of wonder sometimes, though: (and, just for the record, i'm aware that this is probably another waste of brain power) if God knows everything, always did, always will, then He knew that things weren't going to work out the way He'd prefer in the beginning, and He knew that it was going to take all of the Old Testament time period before Jesus came on the scene through "the family", and He knew that His people would reject Him, that He'd have to bring the Gentiles into His family, and so on and so on, so why even bother? the truth that i know is that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28), so i know that if He decided to run things this way, it must be better for us in the end, but ultimately, must be for the purpose of bringing more glory to Him for that is pretty much the purpose of our existence.

ok then here's a heavier thought: while this is so exciting, it also reveals a LOT of responsibility. i mean, we, as believers, already have a great responsibility, but for some reason this just seems to really add to it.

completely unrelated side note: the weather has been dreary all day, i mean torrential downpour, hail, flooding rains off & on, and now--the sun is shining through my window! i think the weather here is more random than any place i've ever been, and i have to say i like it, except when caught in a short sleeve shirt & flip flops outside during the work day, where you are still expected to look presentable, haha...

back to responsibility...i think it seems to add to it because it kind of brings up stuff that you keep hidden in the back of your mind that you aspire to do "someday." you know? for me, that's major intercessory prayer & fasting. these things REALLY speak to me, like tug at my heart, i mean. but if we're being honest, and i think we are, i totally forget to fast. how embarrassing is that? i mean, even if i set a day, then i'll be going along my merry way, eating all day, and about dinner time or as i'm going to bed, i think "dang it! i was going to fast today!"

let me take this opportunity to say that my personality is "do things completely right in full the first time or don't even bother"...this is good and bad. it's also a very "first-born" mentality, just saying. so this attitude often overflows into things like cleaning my house, making my bed, cleaning out my car, umm even stuff like painting my nails, reading, or writing in my journal. if i don't have time to wash all of my dishes, i won't even start because you won't be able to tell anyway, so it will be like i did nothing--it won't "count". if i don't have time to write a complete journal entry, i won't even start (bad). all of this to say, it usually looks like laziness or procrastination to the outsider, another frustration to me because i know if i do something, i'm going to do it right & see it through to completion (good), the problem is finding time to do it right. ok so i'm starting to seem a little like a crazy person, but that's ok because i'm aware that this is not a positive thing about me, and am in the process of working on it. not to say i'm lowering my standards, but working on getting things started, even when i don't have time to completely finish them, because it will make my life way easier later on.

wow, what was i even talking about? oh yes, prayer & fasting. if anyone is interested in a good, excuse me, GREAT book on the subject, may i recommend the hidden power of prayer & fasting by mahesh chavda--amazing.

so i think that sometimes i get caught up in "doing things right" too much to realize that the Lord is just looking at our heart condition/motivation and how we desire to please Him and glorify Him with our lives. He knows we're going to mess up! (the bold is for my benefit)He's not mad at me when i aspired to read two chapters in one sitting, but only read one. He's not mad at me because i spent 29 minutes instead of 30 with Him in one setting. He doesn't hold it against me that i forgot to fast one day. These are the kind of lies that satan puts in my head, tormenting me with my own tendencies--jerk. man, i wonder if we can ever know the heart of God enough to catch these lies before they begin, eliminating them & claiming victory? i suspect we can.

so i got this teaching from IHOP (international house of prayer) in kansas city...it's an amazing place! i went to one of their conferences called "onething" one time & have really never been the same. anyway, all of that to say that i downloaded--for free--about 85 teachings from IHOP on itunes & they are incredible! if you are interested in prophetic singing, fasting, end times, israel, prophecy, church, well all things awesome, really, then you should check itout. it's under the "itunes store" ...type "onething" in the search...scroll down to "podcasts"...click on "yearn, faint, cry"...go to your "podcasts" section...click arrow to display options, and click "get" next to the ones you want!

salvation of Israel

These are notes I took yesterday on a teaching. I'll post them, then post my thoughts on them later.

Notes on “God’s Purpose for Israel” by Wes Hall, an instructor at the Forerunner School of Ministry at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City

Isaiah 62:6-7 – “I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they will never be silent day or night. You who call on the Lord, give yourselves no rest, and give him no rest till he establishes Jerusalem and makes her the praise of the earth.”

- God has put intercessors on Jerusalem’s walls. There’s another group (those who call on the Lord) that are to give God no rest until He makes Jerusalem a praise in the whole earth – this is a mandate for all believers!

Romans 11:1 – “I do not want you to be ignorant of this mystery, brothers, so that you may not be conceited; Israel has experienced a hardening in part until the full number of the Gentiles has come in. And so all Israel will be saved, as it is written: ‘The deliverer will come from Zion; he will turn godlessness away from Jacob. And this is my covenant with them when I take away their sins.’”

- This is about understanding the place Israel’s people have in God’s plan & Gentiles help in saving God’s chosen people
- If we are ignorant of this subject, we end up opposing God himself & falling away

Isaiah 56:7b – “for my house will be called a house of prayer for all nations.”

- God is raising up a prayer movement for the salvation of Israel!
- When the Bible says “Jerusalem”, “Zion,” or “Israel” – understand that it means the literal places!
- God still has one people – Gentiles have been “grafted” in!

Romans 10-11 – “1…my heart’s desire and prayer to God for the Israelites is that they may be saved…4 Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes….9 That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved….12 there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13 for, ‘Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. 14 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15 And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!’…18 But I ask: did they not hear? Of course they did: ‘Their voice has gone out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.’ 19 Again I ask: Did Israel not understand? First Moses says, ‘I will make you envious by those who are not a nation; … (11:1) I ask then: Did God reject his people? By no means! I am an Israelite myself, a descendant of Abraham, from the tribe of Benjamin. 2 God did not reject his people; whom he foreknew….5 at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. 6 And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would not longer be grace….8 ‘God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes so that they could not see and ears so that they could not hear, to this very day.’…11 because of their transgression, salvation has come to the Gentiles to make Israel envious….13 Inasmuch as I am the apostle to the Gentiles, I make much of my ministry 14 in the hope that I may somehow arouse my own people to envy and save some of them. 15 For if their rejection is the reconciliation of the world, what will their acceptance be but life from the dead? ...16b if the root is holy, so are the branches. 17 If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, 18 do not boast over those branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you. 19 You will say then, ‘Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in.’ 20 Granted. But they were broken off because of unbelief, and you stand by faith. Do not be arrogant, but be afraid. 21 For if God did not spare the natural branches, he will not spare you either….23 And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again. 24 After all, if you were cut out of an olive tree that is wild by nature, and contrary to nature were grafted into a cultivated olive tree, how much more radily will these, the natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree!”

- While we are all part of God’s family, we have unique, individual roles – no one is better or worse off automatically
- God says He has great zeal for Zion/Jerusalem

Isaiah 62:1 – “For Zion’s sake, I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch.”

- Everything God does is for the sake of Jerusalem until she becomes holy – at that time the earth will be filled with the glory of the Lord as the water covers the seas.

Ezekiel 36:23 – “I will show the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, the name you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Sovereign Lord, when I show myself holy through you before their eyes.”

- There will be a period of revival, restoration, & redemption for the whole earth, that will be ushered in when Israel takes its place before the Lord with its saving knowledge—then the nations will know who God is!

Romans 9:1-3 – “I speak in truth in Christ—I am no lying, my conscience confirms it in the Holy Spirit—2 I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. 3 For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, those of my own race, the people of Israel.”

- Paul had grief in his heart continually—he, an apostle to the Gentiles—said he would give up his salvation to see Israel come to know Jesus. He said that’s why he preaches to Gentiles because the response of the Gentiles will provoke Israel to say yes to Jesus.
- Why Jerusalem?? Why Israel??
- Israel is like that piece of the puzzle that you cannot find where it goes, but once

it is in place, the rest comes together, it all makes sense.
- God’s overall plan: to bring everything together on heaven & earth in Christ. Blend the spiritual & natural realms:

Ephesians 1:9-10 – “And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.”

- Restoration! This is God dwelling with man on earth!
- God created mankind for earth, not heaven & wants to dwell with us here forever.

Revelation 21:3 – “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.”

- The problem is that currently earth is in bondage to decay.

Romans 8:19-21 – “The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.”

- If the new Jerusalem came down right now & connected with earth, earth would be destroyed. It must first be restored to a state of compatibility, of holiness, righteousness.
- God is committed to redeem & restore this planet!

- Who will restore the earth?
- In Genesis 1, God gave man authority, and it still holds true even though we failed, so a man must be used to restore the earth.
- Where is this man who can do this?
- The entire Old Testament is the story of the family that would bring this God-man who has the ability to restore the earth, making it ready for God to dwell here with us forever.
- God chose that family, the people of Israel; before Abraham, there were no Jews.

Acts 3:21 – “He must remain in heaven until the time comes for God to restore everything, as he promised long ago through his holy prophets.”

- The earth is waiting for all things to be restored, for Jesus to return!
- Creation is longing, groaning to be liberated from this bondage to decay!
- At the moment, our spirits are the only things that move from glory to glory to glory; everything else on earth eventually decays or dies or ceases to exist. Once liberated, all things created will only get better and better and better.
- We’re so used to things aging and living so far below what God intended
- When Jesus returns, he will restore all things!
- The family God chose to redeem the earth were the Jews, Jesus was the “Son of David”
- David’s throne – Jerusalem/Zion
- David’s Kingdom – Israel
- Jesus is like a president that has been elected, but not yet inaugurated. He’s not yet exercising his power.
- The inauguration ceremony is the salvation of Israel! Jesus is waiting to be invited to be king over Israel. He will not force himself on them. He wants to be wanted.
- Jesus says to the leaders of Israel before he is crucified that they will see him no more until they call out, “Blessed is the name of the Lord!”
- Promises of the New Jerusalem: City on a hill that cannot be hidden, filled with the manifest presence of God, over each dwelling a cloud by day & fire by night, nothing unholy allowed to exist there
- At the time of Jesus’ return, Satan will be sent to prison for 1,000 years, the amount of time it will take for Jesus to restores the earth. Then Satan will be cast into a lake of fire. Then God will dwell with His people on earth for all eternity.
- Because of this plan, Satan is mad. He’s like the president that’s still in office, but has lost his power. He’ll take advantage of every loophole, especially the one stipulation Jesus set up—not coming back until invited by Israel.
- Satan will do whatever it takes to wipe out Jews & destroy Jerusalem.
- Satan’s focus is on wiping out the Jewish people to keep Jesus from returning & establishing His kingdom so he doesn’t have to go to prison/lake of fire.
- Satan puts animosity between Jews & Gentiles, examples throughout history:
- The Crusades
- The Inquisition
- The Holocaust
- Growing Anti-Semitism
- Trouble is coming to Israel & many will die

Jeremiah 30:7 – “How awful that day will be! None will be like it. It will be a time of trouble for Jacob, but he will be saved out of it.”

- God will not allow the nation to be wiped out completely.
- If the Jewish people are the vehicle to Jesus’ return, then the church is the vehicle to the salvation of Israel—that’s where we come in! It is critical that we understand this! This starts in the place of prayer!!

Romans 11:31 – “so they too have now become disobedient in order that they too may now receive mercy as a result of God’s mercy to you.”

Romans 11:11 – (see above)

- The goal of your life is to provoke those of natural Israel to jealousy that they would receive Jesus, that Jesus would return, and all things made new! It starts with prayer.
- How will they be provoked?
- Only if the church actually looks like Jesus and has something to offer
- God gave a portion of his Holy Spirit to the church & said, “Live in the power of the

Holy Spirit in the face of Israel! Let them see you live this way, like Jesus.”
- We have not been the kind of witness to Israel as to provoke them to jealousy—we

are so full of our own ideas & agendas, therefore Israel is not impressed, much less

provoked.
- As you stand in prayer for Israel, God will release His spirit of prophesy on the church

Isaiah 62: 1-7 – “For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. 2 The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow. 3 You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. 4 No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (‘my delight is in her’), and your land Beulah (‘married’); for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married. 5 As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you. 6 I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they will never be silent day or night. You who call on the Lord, give yourselves no rest, 7 and give him no rest till he establishes Jerusalem and makes her the praise of the earth.

Joel 2:28-32 – “And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people, Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. 29 Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days. 30 I will show wonders in the heavens and on the earth, blood and fire and billows of smoke. 31 The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord. 32 And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved; for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there will be deliverance, as the Lord has said, among the survivors whom the Lord calls.”

- As the church gives God no rest for the sake of Israel’s salvation, God says he will not rest or be silent. God will speak in response to our prayers. God speaks through prophesy—the testimony of Jesus.
- It starts with prayer & understanding God’s zeal for Jerusalem. Its not about God having a favorite. It’s about God’s desire to fill all nations with his glory, to restore the whole earth.

Genesis 12:3b – “and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you [Abraham].”

Zechariah 2:8 – “for whoever touches you touches the apple of his eye [Israel].”

contradictions of the heart

as i sit at starbucks, i notice that there is a ridiculous amount of children here! who brings their little kids to starbucks? two words: drive-thru (i am now questioning whether it is only one word, considering the hyphen, but i think this is a waste of brain power). ok so when kids start annoying me, i sing the song "Jesus loves the little children" in my head to hopefully bring some perspective, but then i get caught up in the thought pattern of wondering if the song is offensive to people who are not "red & yellow, black & white". there's a lot of nationalities that aren't, you know? i think that might bug me, anyway, i digress...

so my little brother got engaged this past weekend. i'm really excited that i've gotten to be part of the whole rign-designing process & that she's going to be part of our family. she is such a beautiful woman of noble character that will complement my brother better than anyone i can imagine. i know she will not only assume the position of a real sister, but also a friend that i will have for life, which is such a wonderful encouragement. but it is still weird that my little brother is getting married. now, if you would have asked me, i would have said for a while now that he would probably get married before me, but, of course, in the back of my mind, i was hoping something might change that.

it's interesting how our lives are so different. his relationship is very methodical and normal: start dating in high school, date through college, get engaged spring of junior year, get married june after graduation, and i predict will probably live in somewhere like dallas, make a lot of money, and have 2.5 kids. i--well, i obviously don't know exactly what will happen, but nothing resembling his pattern has shown itself in my life just yet. not to say that i'm not thrilled for them or that it's not wonderful for them, and i know God has a different type plan for my life that i'm really excited about discovering, but there's still a part of me (and i suspect most girls) that desires the "safe" life: a safe, secure, predictable life. while there's a huge part of my heart that desires this great, unknown adventure, guided solely by the Lord's leadership, there's also this small part that just wants to know what to expect so i can plan for it--i.e. so i don't have to have faith. i know that i wouldn't be happy in this life, but it still appears to offer security, companionship, and permanent-cy (is that even a word?).

basically, at this point in my life, i want to be moving toward something. i feel so defeated when people ask me questions like "what's next in your life?", "what do you want to do?", "how do you plan to use your degree?" i have no answers. but then i think to myself-isn't it good to be content where you are? i mean, i like my job, i love my little house, i like living in the same city with my family. satan knows that dicouragement is one of the easiest ways to get me down, and attacks me with it when i'm faced with questions of my future, feeling like a failure because i'm not "successful" by the world's standards. on the other hand, i know the Lord has told me very specifically that this "lack of success" would be the case in my life, so why am i surprised? there are so many contradictions in my heart. i want to learn to discern between being "comfortable" with where i am and perhaps dropping it for some way He plans to use the talents & gifts He made me to use.

i want to learn trust, that i really would trust these truths:

• the Lord will lead me in these things if i let Him
• He does know the desires of my heart
• He will fulfill the desires of my heart, provided that i'm seeking him and they line up with His will
• my life has already begun, God's plan is already unfolding, and i don't have to wait for my partner in life to fight alongside for it to fully begin
• the desire for my husband is righteous, and i should not feel desperate because of it, but should continue preparing myself for him, and falling more in love with Jesus in the process