black & white

ok i started this one a while back, so it will probably start with some thoughts of a couple of weeks ago, then go to now...

i heard a sermon on character, specifically daniel's character in chapter 6. then i had a conversation with a friend about 2 kings 18 & 19, where king hezekiah trusted the Lord to deliver Israel out of the hands of Assyria when Assyria had defeated all of the surrounding countries, some more powerful. you may fail to see the correlation, but i left church yesterday morning thinking about what it means to have character. the points the pastor pointed out are:

• does not inflate the ego
• has congruent words & actions
• has a set of non-negotiables
• hears & tells the truth
• shows respect & manners

i think the point that stuck out to me the most was having a set of non-negotiables. i mean, in theory i know exactly what i believe & would like to think in situations that i will stick to them, but this does not necessarily prove true. this lesson leads me to believe that there is a black & white. i know it sounds stupid, but i don't get that. i don't get how something can hold true or be the right decision or thought in all situations. is that just me being selfish because i want to make the decisions i want to make & not feel bad about it? i don't know.

the above point was the last sermon series at my church. now there's one about how each of us are ministers. i know this to be true in theory, but what it really says to me is that i'm supposed to take on a lot of responsibility that i'm not sure i really want, to be honest. it's our responsibility to set an example & to remember that even if we don't realize it, there's always someone looking up to you to know what's ok & your decisions are always affecting more than just yourself. how can this really be true?! in less than a week i will be 25 years old. i live alone. i interact with people at will. i feel like most things i do in my life only affect me. granted, obviously i know that things i do at work or with my family or whatever affects them, that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about the other decisions. what i do with my friends & where i go. like when i "screw up", am i really affecting another person's life too? what if they are involved in said screw up? i don't think i blame or judge them for my decision. i make my own decisions. so how do i know if the people i'm around are really people who take responsibility for their own choices or will in some way blame me for their poor judgement?

i'm leading a small group for freshman girls & am scared to death that they are going to ask me what to do in a situation that i, at 25, still don't handle correctly. do i just give them the textbook answer & conceal that i, too, deal with that issue or do i get more personal & let them know they aren't alone, hoping they don't lean on that as an excuse to make wrong decisions like me? again, i don't know. this is where i'm confused about what's right. ideally, all people in leadership wouldn't make mistakes, but i don't see that happening anytime soon. i want to be a woman of character, i do, but right now that just sounds boring. it sounds too grown up. it sounds like i wouldn't get to have fun anymore & like no one would want to be around me.

welcome to my mind. :)

sensitivity

couple of random thoughts as of late:

first of all, the other day i was driving to the bank when i saw a commotion on the opposite side of the street. as i approached, i assumed it was a car accident, but upon closer inspection realized that a man was laying on his back in the middle of the street, his motorcycle about 20 feet away on it's side. people were gathered around him & a woman had taken the responsibility of directing traffic. i don't think he was dead, but the sight had the strangest effect on me. i called 911 in case no one had. it's one of those completely helpless situations where you know you can't physically do anything to contribute, but you still want to. i wonder if people in the medical profession appreciate or resent their obligation to stop in such cases. anyway, so i knew the best thing i could do in this situation was pray for the man. the second i opened my mouth to pray, my eyes filled with tears & my throat closed up so that i couldn't speak. i had no idea what was happening--i don't know this man, i don't know if he's even dead, why am i so upset? i couldn't figure it out. finally i was able to utter about a sentence prayer, but i really couldn't stop crying.

since then i've been thinking and wondering about this. sometimes i can pass by an accident where i can clearly see that people are not ok & am ashamed at how numb i am to it & here i see that a man has fallen off his bike & i'm inconsolable. it makes me wonder if there's a reason for this, like some kind of discernment about the person's soul. i just wonder if at certain times where i seem super sensitive to a situation if something is going on in the spiritual that i can't see in the natural, but that my spirit is attuned to. who knows. this is not to say that the people in accidents who know Jesus don't need prayer just as much, of course. this is one of those things that i don't really know if it matters, but i think it's important to just be aware and open to the Holy Spirit speaking to me in this way. even if it's not him, it prompts me to send up some extra prayers & that can never hurt, ha.

second random thought. it kind of bugs me that girls get a bad rap for being overly sensitive. now, before you turn me off completely, let me explain. there are more than plenty of girls who have been the reason for this bad connotation, so i understand where it comes from, but i'm talking about truly sensitive & soft hearts. it's my belief that the Lord is able to mold you like clay when you are softened enough to be pliable. also, He's more able to speak to you & teach you when you are sensitive enough to hear His Spirit's quiet voice. when i was growing up, i never wanted people to see me cry because i thought it meant that i was weak or would at least be viewed that way (i sound kind of like a boy), but i never wanted to be viewed as a weakling of a girl who couldn't do anything or lift heavy things or wrestle or whatever. now it's kind of a battle in my mind. there's still a part of me that wants to appear as though i've got it all under control, i can handle my circumstances, and i don't need healing because i'm not hurt. i think it's safe to say this is my flesh because my spirit longs for healing & growth, knowing that with that will come growing pains, more hurt, and dreaded tears.

i've started to notice how many more things affect me emotionally now that i'm a little older. for instance, things i watch on tv. i am so affected by people's lives & what they're going through/thinking/feeling in these lives that don't even exist. i get completely wrapped up & find myself responding emotionally the way i would were i in the situation i'm watching. because of this, i have to be careful what i watch. things that remind me of unpleasantries in my past that caused some pretty major wounds tend to re-open them, opening the floodgates too.

recently a friend & i were having a conversation about the differences of men & women. he asked me what i would change. i think he was expecting me to go off as girls are prone to do, but i've given this a lot of thought, so my answer is a little different. if i had the option to change something, i would make men a little more complicated & women a little more simple. like it would be nice if they had to juggle 2 things on their mind instead 1 & if we could only juggle 4 things instead of 6. i don't think it's widely known that we don't want to be as complicated as we are, it's just the way that it is. i digress. anyway, so i said that, but i followed it with the fact that i know we are both made in God's image. if this is the case, then i have to believe that He truly created us to complement each other. i think that this was probably a lot easier in the garden of Eden before the Fall. i think that since we live in a fallen world with so much evil penetrating our lives & thoughts that this is much more difficult than ever intended, but still very possible. i have to believe there's a reason each of us has our strengths & weaknesses. i want to believe that my sensitivity will play a positive role in my marriage someday, whether in my compassion towards my husband or in prayer over major life decisions.

which brings me back to the sensitivity thing. i would like to marry someone who sees this trait as a positive one, who sees the fact that i cry at all weddings & births as cute or sweet, instead of irritating. i'm considering reading wild at heart again because i really want to be prepared when the Lord deems it the right time for me to partner in life with someone. i want to appreciate our differences & use them as something that draws us closer as we enjoy learning more about each other, not as something that causes bitterness, resentment, & disappointment. i don't want to sound completely idealistic, like everything in a relationship will go perfect because i'm trying to understand who i'm with? no. i know there will be anger, i know there will be confusion, and i know there will be disapointment. i'm just saying that i really desire to learn as much as i can now about men & how God created them so that i can hopefully go back to that when the other things creep in.

i think i was going somewhere else with this thought too, but i've been distracted several time & have lost my train of thought.

the eyes of Jesus

i love worship music. it's amazing how a song can be so sweet & peaceful & powerful & life-changing all at once. i think it's cool that groupings of words meant to praise our creator reflect His complexity.

you know when pastors or worship leaders say something like, "i want you to close your eyes & just picture looking into the face of Jesus"? whenever i look into the eyes of Jesus in my mind's eye, 3 distinct images of him come to mind. first, his face is very close up with soft brown eyes full of love like a gentle, caring father that you want to sit in His lap. then, i picture the figure described in revelation: eyes like fire, robe, sharp sword coming out of his mouth, sceptor in hand--fierce & ready for battle. finally, i picture what can best be compared to king triton from the little mermaid--a father king who fully embodies the power of the king that you wouldn't want to be against in a war, yet exhibits kind & gentle love towards his children.

so all of these things enter my mind when worshipping through song. i feel like the best way for me to concentrate on who i'm singing to & what i'm saying is to picture the eyes of Jesus. sometimes it's almost like i see a pair of eyes in the darkness of the back of my own eyelids, which provides such peace, comfort, & affirmation. i know my Savior is there with me & He is pleased.

i'm currently listening to a song by Jill Phillips that always really speaks to my heart because i think even the toughest of us desires to be comforted & loved by our creator. she has such a sweet voice and i think it just helps us to see the compassionate side of our maker.

here's the words:

oh gently lay your head upon my chest

and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

the tide can change so fast, but I will stay

the same through past, the same in future, same today

I am constant, I am near

I am peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy, I am wise

I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires

oh weary, tired and worn,

let out your sighs and drop that heavy load you hold 'cause Mine is light

I know you through and through;

there's no need to hide

I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

'cause I am constant, I am near

I am peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy, I am wise

I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires

oh gently lay your head upon my chest

and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest