the eyes of Jesus

i love worship music. it's amazing how a song can be so sweet & peaceful & powerful & life-changing all at once. i think it's cool that groupings of words meant to praise our creator reflect His complexity.

you know when pastors or worship leaders say something like, "i want you to close your eyes & just picture looking into the face of Jesus"? whenever i look into the eyes of Jesus in my mind's eye, 3 distinct images of him come to mind. first, his face is very close up with soft brown eyes full of love like a gentle, caring father that you want to sit in His lap. then, i picture the figure described in revelation: eyes like fire, robe, sharp sword coming out of his mouth, sceptor in hand--fierce & ready for battle. finally, i picture what can best be compared to king triton from the little mermaid--a father king who fully embodies the power of the king that you wouldn't want to be against in a war, yet exhibits kind & gentle love towards his children.

so all of these things enter my mind when worshipping through song. i feel like the best way for me to concentrate on who i'm singing to & what i'm saying is to picture the eyes of Jesus. sometimes it's almost like i see a pair of eyes in the darkness of the back of my own eyelids, which provides such peace, comfort, & affirmation. i know my Savior is there with me & He is pleased.

i'm currently listening to a song by Jill Phillips that always really speaks to my heart because i think even the toughest of us desires to be comforted & loved by our creator. she has such a sweet voice and i think it just helps us to see the compassionate side of our maker.

here's the words:

oh gently lay your head upon my chest

and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

the tide can change so fast, but I will stay

the same through past, the same in future, same today

I am constant, I am near

I am peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy, I am wise

I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires

oh weary, tired and worn,

let out your sighs and drop that heavy load you hold 'cause Mine is light

I know you through and through;

there's no need to hide

I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

'cause I am constant, I am near

I am peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy, I am wise

I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires

oh gently lay your head upon my chest

and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

blessed union of souls

well, they did it! bonnie & dustin got married this weekend! i can't believe it, but it was such a beautiful thing! it's funny that right now what keeps reunions of old friends going is that there's a wedding every couple of months, ha...this one was especially beautiful, not just in the natural, but especially in the spiritual sense! they have such a "song of solomon" romance. dustin really felt like the Lord told him he would be with bonnie, and so he relentlessly pursued her for two years before it was time for them to be together--two years! i can't even imagine a man being willing to pursue his beloved without much hope in the natural for that long. wow. the reason i say it is a song of solomon romance is because that's the way Jesus pursues us, his bride. on the front of bonnie & dustin's program, it read "because He first loved". that's so true. the only reason we even know what love is or how to sort of do it is because He's showed us. i had the honor of singing in the wedding with bonnie's brother & a friend. the music that bonnie & dustin chose created such a beautiful picture of how Jesus pursues his "dark, yet lovely" chosen bride, calls her away with him, and romances her. the last couple of songs were scripture straight from revelation, which is so powerful, and hallelujah. they left to a song about dancing on the golden streets of heaven!! i get tears in my eyes when i think about it because i think they have figured out what this marriage thing is about--they will glorify the Lord more as one than apart, and they will be a stronger warrior for the army of the Lord than they could have ever been alone. that's it. that's the point, i think. glory for God and being kingdom-minded. love like this that will continue unswervingly despite roadblocks and hardships is what i want in a husband. someone who will pursue me as Jesus pursues me. it blesses my heart so much to be assured that bonnie is married to a man who will pursue and love her until death parts them. it was awesome to listen to people talk about the two of them this weekend during the rehearsal dinner, toasts, etc., and just to be so reassured that my friend, a precious jewel, will now be under the covering of such a worthy man of God. there's so many weddings that you leave with that kind of uneasy feeling about the union, but this was truly a blessed union of souls. (no pun intended, ha ;) )

selfishness & surrender

Well it’s the day after Easter & I’m feeling a little weird. Not really physically (although my voice hasn’t fully recovered from being sick a while back & I have a wedding to sing in this weekend—yikes) but more like I just feel weird in my heart.

Even though I’m not sure how feasible it is, I’m ready for my walk with the Lord to not be such a roller coaster. I think that ultimately we can achieve a consistently growing relationship with the Lord despite earthly circumstances, but I seem to let my earthly circumstances & selfishness affect my walk with the Lord, thus perpetuating the roller coaster cycle. I know that when I mess up, I should confess it, ask for forgiveness, pick myself up & move on, choosing to make difference choices when put in that situation again. This way I wouldn’t waste time, but instead I beat myself up for a few days & go into hiding from the Lord. This just makes the situation worse because it’s like deep down I know he’s just standing there with arms open like the father in the prodigal son parable, waiting for me to “come home” and I’m still standing far away hesitating because I’m not sure it’s ok for me to come home yet. I know the truth in my head. It seems that my heart may still believe some lies, though.

The past month or so has been an odd mixture of revelation from the Lord & poor/not God-honoring decisions. You know how “they” say that truly loving someone is a choice not based on feelings? Well, this is proving very true in my life. With every decision I make, it seems I’m choosing God or the world. I can choose to be selfish or honor Him. It was only recently that I realized how selfish I really am based on what kind of decisions I’m making. When I think of what I should do, a lot of time my argument against it starts with, “but I want…”. What the crap? I hate that! What does it matter what I want when ultimately the Lord knows what is best for me! Why don’t I trust that?! I know that “earthly pleasures” are so fleeting, and I want eternal! But for some reason I find myself choosing the emptiness of earth instead of the treasures of heaven. Ugh.

This past week I’ve heard two “sermons” that really spoke to me. One of them was on complete surrender & one of them was on resurrection power. Obviously the complete surrender one is self-explanatory, but he really just spoke truth with no “frills” and that’s how I learn best—truth straight from the Word. The resurrection power sermon was mostly about receiving “resurrection power” through your faith in trusting Jesus enough to let the areas of your life that you’re trying to get satisfaction from die. The resurrection comes in when you’re letting him bring life to all areas of your life, not striving to create true life with limited human capabilities. This sermon used the story from Luke 8 with the bleeding woman and the dead girl, both receiving resurrection power through faith.

I guess I’m not coming to any major conclusions here except that I do truly want to get all of my satisfaction in Jesus. That’s just proving to be really hard to live out sometimes. Also, when I am unfaithful to my Jesus, it makes me worry about what kind of wife I will be. Perhaps this is why the Lord has not brought the person I am to walk through life with yet, maybe He’s not done preparing me. Who knows? Obviously, I want to be fully prepared to love someone second to Jesus before I’m put in that position, I want to be in a place of drawing them nearer to the Lord through our relationship, and I don’t want to settle for just someone who is willing to give me attention, ha. All of this to say, if waiting longer means that I will be better prepared for my beloved, both in earthly & heavenly marriage, then so be it. He knows best & I need to remember that.

The picture of the rainbow represents hope.