Dreams #2 & #3?

Ok so I think I know what the other two dreams are. I haven't had a chance to go back & tell spirit art man, nor do I know really what their relevance is, but here they are nonetheless.

I had dream #2 sometime in October. I was at my little garage apartment house. I heard a commotion outside and got on the floor to peek out the bottom of the window to see what was going on. I was on the phone with my dad giving him a play by play. I saw a girl about the same stature, or even smaller, as my step-sister, Danielle, being chased by some guys on motorcycles. She ran into my yard and up to my door. As a side note, my house would be difficult to break into - there's only one door with a deadbolt, the windows have bars on them. Anyway, somehow she broke the window in the door, stuck her tiny hand in, and unlocked the deadbolt on the door from the inside. She then opened the door and kind of came flying in, landing in the floor with force. So we're both in the floor, facing each other. I've hung up with my dad by this point. She seems scared to death and I can't get her to talk except to say her name, which was so clear to me the morning after the dream, but I waited too long to write it down & now can't remember. I want to say it started with an "S". Also, it was like even though the front door was standing open, the guys chasing her couldn't get in. the end.

Dream #3 was when I was in Hawaii on November 30th. There are two pieces of preface information to be told before telling the dream:

[Preface 1: Around the beginning of October, I was eating dinner with my friend, Chelsey, at Rosa's after church. While there, I saw this guy that I was extremely attracted to, like literally drawn to. We made eye contact as we passed each other multiple times for drink & salsa refills, but never spoke. He was with what appeared to be a church group. He is probably in his late 20s, some of the people he was with looked his age and some looked as young as high school. I haven't seen him since, but I thought about him fairly consistently for a couple weeks, then not again until this dream.

Preface 2: The couple in my dream are two people I've known separately most of my life. I still know them, we live in the same town, run into each other occasionally, but not people that I hang out with or see often, I don't even have their phone numbers]

I was at my little house and I guess I had invited this couple over for dinner & told them to invite any of their friends they wanted. There was what appeared to be an 8' table in my kitchen (impossible) and I was seated at the head, speaking with the couple. The guy works at a church, so we were having a very in depth conversation about what he does at the church and how that does or does not correspond with his personal beliefs or passions. As we're talking, two more young guys sit down at the table that in the dream I knew also worked at the same church as this guy, but I don't' know them in real life, nor do I remember their faces. We're all in my kitchen laughing & having a great time. As we're talking, there's a knock at the door. I get up to answer the door since it is my house, after all. I open the door & it's the guy from Rosa's......We just stare at each other. Faintly in the background i hear the guy trying to introduce us, so we extend our hands. He just smiles at me & says "Rosa's". And we both knew, we continued to hold hands & slowly walked back into the kitchen to join the others. He says, "This is the girl I saw at Rosa's." They all go crazy, saying, "YOU'RE Rosa's girl?!?! oh my gosh!" etc., etc. And it was like we were walking on clouds because we'd found each other. the end.

dream #1?

I had the following dream around the middle of September.

Benjamin & I were at some kind of church function where the parents were one place & the kids were another. So mom & John were with the parents and me & Ben were with the kids. It was like I was significantly younger, like middle school or high school & Ben was a little older, like kindergarten or something. James/Danielle/Lawrence were not there. All of the kids were in a gym & we were playing volleyball or something, but our teams were made up of partners – Ben & I were partners, obviously.

When it came time to switch sides of the court, we went to the other side & all of a sudden it was an auditorium with rows of seats because I guess it was movie time. We were both placed on the front row, but apart from each other, I was on an end & he was in the middle. I was a little nervous that he would be scared away from me, but he did ok. I was allowed to go check on him after a while, so I went to make sure he was ok. He had marks on his cheek from falling asleep in the chair. He asked if there was somewhere he could lay down, so I picked him up & took him to the back where I guess all of the seats reclined because people were all in reclining chairs in the back. I placed him in the chair, got him set up with his blanket & drink & he said that was good. Then he said he was going to go to the bathroom really quick & I said ok & he walked out of the room into the hallway. I guess for some reason I felt confident that he knew where he was going, but then I realized that I didn’t know where he was going, so I walked out of the room, noticing a bigger recliner that was empty on my way out & making a mental note that I would give that to him when we got back because it would be more comfortable. Well, I couldn’t find him & started to panic a little.

At that time, the parents started filing into the hallways, filling them with so many people. I found my mom first & was trying to tell her that I didn’t know where Ben went & was looking for him, but I was losing my voice & couldn’t talk over the crowds. She was calm & started to look for him with me. Then John met up with us & he was young looking, like when he first came to America. He was happy to see me & asked about Ben. I told him through tears & hardly a voice that I couldn’t find him & he was angry that I had let him out of my sight. So then all 3 of us are trying to push through the jam-packed hallways looking for Ben.

I don’t know if this was the same sequence of the dream, but then I remember seeing a man pick him up, cross over to another hallway and try to get out of the building that way. He was running down the hall & I waited in a room just off the hall to cut him off. I knew it would really hurt, but I had to stop him, so I ran full force into him while he was running down the hall & stopped him & that was it.

spirit art

well i had a crazy experience a couple of weeks ago that i've been forgetting to blog about, so here goes.

two fridays ago i was researching what's going on in town & found this art walk at one of the malls. all of my friends had other plans, but i didn't want to let being alone stop me from doing something fun. i thought i might really enjoy this art thing. plus, i felt like the Lord wanted to specifically spend the evening with me & since i haven't done that since who knows when, i thought it would be great for us to do together. so i went to the mall & started walking through.

i passed this guy in a hat & white t-shirt walking the other direction. the only reason i noticed him is that he stared at me as we passed & i thought it a bit weird. so i'm walking along, saw an antique store & decided to go in. i'm about halfway in when i realize he's turned around & followed me in. he follows me through the store at a distance, i hang back to stay away, then he looks at me & walks out. i was trying not to be too paranoid, so i blew it off, and went on to a gallery next door. as i'm in the gallery, he walks by the entrance & looks in at me. t-shirt man was really starting to creep me out, and, frankly, ruining my art experience. i decided to try one more gallery to try & lose him before leaving. i had my confrontation all ready in my head should i see him again. you know they always say really confident & aware women are far less likely to be targets, so i was ready to confront.

anyway, i chose a very open gallery with large pictures that intrigued me. there was weird music playing & the entry said "spirit art". then i saw an indian head on the wall & pretty much wrote it off as native american witch doctor art, but decided to give it a look anyway. the artist, rickey paul (www.spiritartofmikeal.com/), was talking to a couple about his art. i caught pieces of the conversation such as "painting what he tells me in the dark," "i sign his name on all the pieces," "i don't know much about art," and also some angel stories. as i was eavesdropping, i saw an article on a table about him. apparently 6 1/2 years ago an angel started speaking to him & telling him what to paint. i was almost done walking around once, but i just had to speak to him & he was still talking to that couple, so i started round 2. this time i saw more in the paintings than i did the first time. they were amazing! when the couple walked away, i made a bee-line for him & introduced myself. i wanted to feel this guy out, what he believed was happening, etc.

so i started asking him questions about what i had heard, about what he believes. he said he believed in God, Jesus, "the whole bit", just didn't do the whole religion thing anymore. he was raised Catholic, but didn't think that the rules were a reflection of how God intended our lives & church to be. well, i can definitely appreciate that. i'm not a fan of legalistic religion & i don't think God is either. rickey said that one day he was having lunch with a friend & the friend told him that there was a 9 foot angel behind him that was saying he's "not leaving this time". the angel told the friend that he wanted a combination of the names "mickey" and "al". his name is michael (i think rickey thinks he's the archangel michael), so "mickey" is a child-like nickname and "al" is like "spirit" because he wanted their relationship to have a childlike spirit or something, so this is where he got the name "mikeal", which is the name he signs on the artwork. rickey said he used to go into a dark room & let mikeal tell him what to paint. he said he doesn't know much about painting, but after mikeal tells him he's done, he turns the light on and mikeal tells him the story behind the picture and how much to charge for it.

he believes each painting is intended for a specific person. he said they'll usually walk in, go around once & leave. then they'll re-enter and say something to the effect of ownership about a painting - "that's my painting" or "this one is for me". he said one lady did this, took her painting home, and hung it in the living room. she placed it there so she could look at it as she drank coffee at the dining room table. she said that one day as she was looking at it, her entire living room turned white, Jesus walked out of the painting, took 3 steps, and told her that otis was with him and was alright. otis was her deceased husband that she had worried about his eternal destination. hmm.

then rickey told me another story of how he began noticing a lot of native american themes showing up int he art. he asked mikeal about it & mikeal said, "shouldn't they be healed, too?" i asked him how mikeal communicates with him & he described it as a "knowing", not audible. this is how i feel the Holy Spirit communicates to me, but i'm not sure if rickey thinks God or the Holy Spirit is communicating to him through mikeal or if he just thinks mikeal is communicating to him directly of his own initiative. anyway, at this point rickey said he realized how little he actually knew about native americans.

one day an indian chief came into his gallery & introduced himself as "two bears". they spoke and he later discovered that no one else had seen the chief in the gallery. from their conversation, rickey felt like he was supposed to go north to montana to where custer fought his last battle with the indians. when he & his wife got there, there was a path to the right to the battlefield and a path to the left. he took the path to the left and came upon an indian monument specifically for two bears & his tribe's involvement in the battle. *chills* rickey's explanation of this is that two bears wanted him to appreciate what he had done in his life. rickey's wife thinks that rickey is just so close to the spirit world that two bears was able to appear to him. again, hmm.

at this point i was feeling a little weird because while i think this guy & i could be on some of the same pages, we're probably not on all. after the two bears story, i felt it necessary to ask him about his thoughts on the afterlife. his answer was that he didn't know because he hadn't been there....um, ok. he said he's died 3 times from heart attacks and come back. he said one time while he was recovering from one of his heart attacks that his wife told him he sat up in bed and began having a conversation with several angels as if they were at the foot of his bed. she said he was telling them that he couldn't wait to join them. she saw no one else in the room besides the two of them. rickey also said that mikeal has told him that he has his sword and shield ready for when rickey joins him "in the fight". i'm not sure if rickey thinks he becomes an angel upon death? i told him that i've never really believes that dead people appear to the living. i said when i refer to the "spiritual realm", i'm referring to demons & angels. he refers to the spirit realm, seeming to mean angels, demons, and spirits of people who have passed. right after i tell him this he gives me this knowing look & says, "yeah, but they show up in your dreams, don't they?"

..................................i just about peed my pants right there. 4 weeks prior to this i had a very intense dream with my deceased maternal grandfather as one of the main characters in the dream, crystal clear as if it was circa 1993. i don't have any grandparents that are alive & have lost a lot of relatives in my short life & i've always had dreams with them in them. i thought it was normal. as a side note, i'm reading the shack and in that book the deceased sister visits and plays with her siblings in their dreams, so that just draws some weird parallels. not really conclusions necessarily, but definitely parallels.

back to the story. after telling me this, i'm sure he could tell he definitely had my attention. then he casually tells me that he can read all of the people that come into his gallery like a book. he said he's not always supposed to tell them what he sees, but sometimes he is. he said i had a very strong rainbow around me (chelsey said that means i'm confused, but i prefer to think it means something awesome along the lines of promise, ha) and asked if there is a strong influence in my life named "sarah". i told him i have a lot of friends named sarah, but none really stand out as this strong influence/mentor he seemed to be getting at. in our conversation i was telling him my fascination with art and he said, "yeah, but art really isn't your thing, is it?" i was kind of confused because i've always considered myself an artistic person. he said, "you're fascinated with the process of creating something from nothing." now that is true, but i don't think it's all that uncommon. i am always looking at things around me & wondering how they are made & thinking of how i would make them, but i'm sure there are other people who do this as well. then he looked at me & said, "i'm going to tell you something." he stared at me directly in the eye for at least 30 seconds as if debating whether i could handle it. i just stared right back, assuring him i could, haha. then he says, "you're going to have 3 dreams. you really need to pay attention to the 3rd one because in it is a very clear life direction. then come back and tell me what it is. well, that's enough of that for one day." and that was it - our conversation was over.

let me just say that while i did write all of this down, i'm not just eating it up as fact about my life. i'm a firm believer in praying about this type of thing for confirmation. i will say that i felt peace and the Lord's presence throughout the entire conversation. as i said before, i'm not entirely sure this guy & i would agree on everything, i felt like i was supposed to pay attention to this experience. so of course i was hoping for like 3 amazing dreams from the Lord in a week, but it was almost 2 weeks (tuesday night) before i had a dream. let me explain the dream thing: i dream all the time, like all the time, but i know a dream is from the Lord because i remember it differently, with a distinctive clarity. i can't explain it better than that & i don't always know the purpose/meaning, but i know when i'm supposed to pay attention to it, i try to always write them down & hope i get the message whenever i'm supposed to. the next post will be my dream. could it be dream #1? ;-)

by the way, i never saw the creepy guy again, thank the Lord.

always planning

I think it's so weird that girls are always planning their wedding. I was just thinking the other day about why people get into relationships. Obviously i know there's going to be exceptions, so I'll just speak for myself & those who were around me.

When i was in 9th grade, I made my little list about the qualities I wanted in a husband, blah blah. From that point forward, I felt like i needed to justify every relationship I entered into by finding some "marriable" qualities in him. As a side note, I am a pretty firm believer in dating people with marriable qualities, but at the same time, I don't think you can know the outcome from the beginning. All of that to say, it's like in every relationship, I've always found myself taking notes - does this mean he'll always be this way, is this a habit that i can live with, etc. It's like constantly evaluating this person, like they are under the "perfect match magnifying glass" & when I realized they just weren't going to work out, I cut it off. They probably entered into a relationship with me because they thought I was fun or pretty or just wanted a girlfriend, who knows, definitely a simpler reason than mine.

This isn't only with dating relationships. I've been making & re-making my bridesmaids list since high school, trying to tailor it to the number of people that the person I'm dating would be able to have & re-evaluating who "makes the cut" or who I've lost touch with. I don't know why, but it's just like this distant huge turning point in my life that it feels like I've been constantly preparing for for like 10 years, yet feel no closer to or any readier for - why am i wasting my time? Why do i need all of these things figured out? It's so weird because it's not necessarily like a need to be married now/soon or even that I think I'm ready to be married. I guess it's just this feeling that I need to be as prepared as possible when the time comes so I have fewer decisions to make? Who knows.

I was just thinking about an old friend today & caught myself thinking, "We don't really keep up much anymore, I wonder if it would hurt her feelings if she isn't a bridesmaid in my wedding?"

............what?!?!

Am I engaged? No! Am I close to being engaged? No! Where do these crazy thoughts come from? I think part of it has to do with summer, also known as "wedding season". Summer always does weird things to me - too many people get engaged & married in the summer. It takes me a while to recover.

Anyway, this thought pattern kind of falls into what I've been trying to do lately: live in the moment. Not in a crazy way, but in an actually enjoying life kind of way. I want to enjoy my friendships & relationship as they happen, as they unfold, not be focused on what hasn't happened. If I let myself, I can get totally caught up in my mind & create conversations as I imagine they would go, create scenarios as I imagine they would go, set up expectations for other people's words/actions, get angry at people for what I imagined they said, and basically set myself up for a world of disappointment, all the while missing out on what life, or the Lord rather, is offering me now. It's really a horrible pattern. I think girls deal with it a lot because it's so easy to get caught up in that you don't even realize you're doing it.

I recently met with this girl & we read a book together. She's like 5 years younger than me & we were kind of getting to know each other the first time we met when she was talking about her boyfriend. She told me this wonderful story about how they started dating, etc. Then she mentioned that during the summer, he was being kind of lazy, not spending his time wisely in her opinion, etc. & she wasn't sure what that was an indication of. I knew immediately we were kindred spirits, as Anne of Green Gables would say. :) So I asked if she was worried that if they got married that he would be sitting on the couch all day, drinking beer, jobless, and making her go to church alone? She gave me that "how did you know" smile. Well, because I've been a professional life-imaginer my entire life! It's amazing how you can take one little thing & in 30 seconds have figured out how it's going to affect the rest of your life. So exhausting. It made me so happy to be able to share some of my new findings, mostly about men & women relating, with her. It's so fun getting to share things with people that you just figured out & that may help them avoid some of your pitfalls. By the way, I assured her that it means it's summer & he's just relaxing before having to enter the real world & that it has nothing to do with the failure or success of her future. ;-)

I have also decided that I'm never going to fully figure out why men think the way they do & how to get them to understand the way I do (also that i need to be ok with not understanding). Neither really makes sense all of the time. I will hopefully choose to see this as an adventure of discovery & laugh about misunderstandings along the way instead of letting myself get caught up in them.

heavy clouds of thought

I feel heavy today, not physically heavy, but burdened with a heavy feeling. Some things around me are affecting my mood: friends who have been falsely accused of abusing their children & are fighting to get them back, friends who can’t have a baby, friends who were great parents & their son still committed suicide, a sinking feeling that things in the world are getting worse when I hear of new things closely lining up with prophecy I’ve read in the Bible, and, finally, knowing what to do with myself in my own life.

I’m not complaining, just sharing a plethora of thoughts adding up to a little cloud hovering over my head. At my church, we’re doing a study on Habakkuk & learning “the reply to why”. Basically why do bad things still happen to “good” people, etc., etc.? It’s so interesting how many times in the bible that God gets glory in the end through evil, like wiping out nations & just allowing things to happen. I’m not so naïve as to think He doesn’t allow these things. There’s so much I don’t know, but a few things I do know to be true: I know that we have victory in the end; I know that this is a fallen world; I know that Habakkuk cried out to God asking him why he tolerates the evil in Judah & God’s response was that he was raising up the Babylonians to take them over. Using evil to get rid of bad?!

It doesn’t really make sense. But then I think – does it have to? I’m the kind of person who wants to understand everything, but when it comes to the ways of the Lord, I have to just make myself accept that I can’t always understand. So then what am I supposed to do now that I’ve accepted the fact that I don’t have to understand? I still strongly believe that I shouldn’t just be ok with everything that's happening. I want to be the kind of person that cries out to the Lord about the injustice I see surrounding me, to pray with boldness for answers. Our pastor made the interesting point that the cross is one of the worst torture devices in the history of man, used by one of the most corrupt governments in history, and ultimately that’s what gave me my salvation. Why do people walk around saying that God wouldn't allow terrorism or even worse natural disasters than we've already seen? Definitely something to chew on.

The first three things I listed that are on my mind have to do with children. Now, I don’t have children. I do desire them at some point in my life. Sometimes I almost think I wish I were in that stage now, but then I realize I’m not even close to being ready. Anyway, these problems & then the way the world is now really make me question whether I want to bring children into this world. Are they just going to be taken away from me? Will they take their own life after i've poured so much of mine into them? Am i fit to train up someone in the way they should go? What if they never accept Jesus as their savior? Will i be able to protect them? Will i be able to accept when situations are out of my control? I’m not losing sleep over it or anything, just something that crosses my mind every so often.

Ok one of the things that I started thinking about today in reference to the prophecy comment before is Oprah. I’ve seen some things recently about these new people she’s endorsing that are fairly new-agey & what I perceive to be lies disguised as feel-good truth. Anyway, one of the most alarming things is that the author of this book & supposed spiritual advisor to Oprah is head of this peace alliance, trying to start a U.S. Department of Peace. Now, peace sounds great. World peace sounds even greater, but when you get someone who is a proponent of “mind training” and a year-long self-study “course in miracles”, thinks we’re all destined to be as Jesus on one hand & that she’s a magical witch on the other, I have to start questioning. Oprah & another author are teaching a class online every Monday night to something like 2 million people. Oprah thinks that sharing this guy’s book is a fulfillment of her life’s purpose & the book is predicted to be the best-seller of all time. I guess we’ll see.

I saw another thing about this book called don’t drink the kool-aid. The title is a reference to an occult mass suicide in the 70s. This woman, a Christian author, is basically saying that this “Oprah movement” is occult-ish & that Oprah is reaching more people daily than most pastors will reach in a lifetime. She addresses Oprah’s endorsement of Obama and how it has given him an assent to power quicker than he ever would have gotten there alone as well as references the teachings I previously mentioned. My first inclination is to blindly believe everything this woman says, but then am I just as bad as the people I’m accusing of being deceived by blinding believing everything Oprah says?

Lastly, I just want to make the right decisions in my own life. I know that i can't be ok & make the right choices all the time, I do. I just desire the discernment for making the right decisions & the ability to accept & forgive myself when I don't, moving on to hopefully make the right one next time. I find myself making decisions of the moment as of late in an effort to not need to see the big picture, but be satisfied with the present. The result is a series of decisions that I’m not sure were right, but not sure if they were necessarily wrong. I want to bring glory to God. I also want to love & be loved. Emotions & rationalization can really get in the way of clear thinking.

I’m going to look up some of the prophecy I’m talking about so I can quote scripture next time instead of just a jumble of questions & general wonder-ing…ments (FRIENDS).

reading & thinking

So I’ve been doing a lot of thinking recently. A lot of reading & thinking. I’ve been intentionally trying to not turn my TV on in the evenings because I find that it’s either mindless entertainment or just makes me mad about the world & what’s acceptable. Not to say I hate TV. The shows I love, I really love. It’s just getting a little harder to find shows I love. Anyway, this is of no importance. Back to the point. So I’ve been filling my time with reading, some fiction & some non.

In fiction, I really like to read Christian fiction. Some may argue that it’s boring or cheesy or whatever, but I find that it’s really inspiring to me, plus relieving to know that it's basically already censored. I love reading the thoughts & situations of people. I love knowing that everyone is human & learning the struggles & victories of other believers (probably why i love reading blogs), or non-believers depending on where the story starts in the characters’ lives. It gives me a different perspective on things. I like when I can feel my mind being stretched. I often try to pull out important thoughts or lessons from the story & apply them to my life, or see where I may have made similar mistakes. I like to think about Jesus sitting next to me while I’m reading & kind of “discussing” my new thoughts in response to what I’m reading. This probably sounds stupid & I realize that not everyone thinks the way I do, but all of that to say, I think reading Christian fiction draws me closer to the Lord & expands my mind. Right now I’m in the middle of A Garden to Keep by Jamie Langston Turner. Love it. The protagonist is telling the whole story & her thoughts & memories are all over the place. I love the crazy way her mind works because, while I know it irritates & overwhelms people, I can completely relate.

Non-fiction, whether also a story or more like a life application book, makes me think in a different way. These I am reading solely for revelation about my personal life & how to improve or view it differently. Knowing my mind as I do, I have to read these books in smaller doses because I’m probably trying to absorb it a little too much. If it’s the kind of book that’s suggesting life changes, I sometimes catch myself getting bogged down with what I should be doing, which is obviously not productive. Right now I’m erring on the productive & encouraging side with What’s So Amazing About Grace? by Philip Yancey. I started it a long time ago. I remember thinking it was amazing, no pun intended, but left it at a friends’ house for a long time & just got it back. I’m excited about picking it up again.

Sidenote about grace: a few weeks ago at church our pastor came to my small group. I think we were talking about revolutions or something, but somehow grace or giving came up & he made an interesting point I’m still absorbing: if there’s no end to the amount of grace that God extends to us, why are we willing to only extend a certain amount to other people? It’s like we feel like we’ve done our part to extend grace one time to one person in one week, but he was talking about how we should exhaust our “supply” over & over. And I guess we shouldn’t be worried about what it might do to us because there’s enough grace from God to keep filling us up. Hm. I like it. So none of this is what I meant to write about today, but I think it’s enough for one post.

Key word to remind me what I meant to write & will next time: overreacting.

death & dreams

My Dad & Sheryl just got back from their vacation last night. They’ve been gone for nearly 3 weeks. It all began when my stepbrother, Travis, went to a Bible College in California last semester. One of his good buddies he met there was named Geoff. Travis & Geoff both decided to go to the bible college's campus in Maui this semester. Dad & Sheryl decided to make a vacation out of it. My dad's birthday is this month and he’s always wanted to go to Hawaii, so off they went on the 16th of January. Dad & Sheryl stayed in Maui for 5 or 6 days, saw Travis a lot, got him settled, and spent a lot of time with his friends, Geoff & some other girls from the bible college.

Then Dad & Sheryl moved on to another island by themselves for the duration of their trip. They were supposed to be returning home Friday, the 25th. On Thursday, the 24th, Travis called them in a panic saying that he, Geoff, and 2 other students had been on this hike & Geoff had fallen off a cliff & died, and begged them to come back to Maui. So, they cancelled all of their flights, unsure as to when they'd be returning to the lower 48 or what really had happened, and headed back to Maui to be with Travis. Apparently they had gone on this hike that guys from the Bible College have been going on for a few years. It’s pretty dangerous, but they were having the time of their lives. They were almost done with the hike, had one more waterfall to either jump over or scale down. Geoff was figuring out the best way, slipped, and fell down head first. It was an hour’s hike back to the road to get cell phone service to call for rescue. They came and as one of the boys was taking him back to Geoff’s body, he got to share his faith and the rescue worker accepted Christ right there. Amazing. Already salvation had come just two hours after his death. They had devotionals and memorial services at the school to pray for his family and worship. My Dad & Sheryl said that Geoff was on fire for the Lord and so refreshing to be around. He had had two close encounters with death before and had given his life to the Lord in July of 2007. He was baptized the 1st Sunday in January, and gave his testimony at his home church soon after. They spent the next week in Maui before heading to Geoff’s hometown in Oregon for the funeral.

They spent a few days in Oregon staying with one of the girls from the college’s parents. They said that this family was such a blessing. The dad is an evangelist & they have 4 daughters. They said the funeral was amazing. There were 1700 people there, it was 3 hours long, and around 50 people ended up accepting the Lord at the funeral! Wow. They just said it was a worship service. I really hope that’s what my funeral is like. I’ve always thought that if because I lived, just one person came to know Jesus & experience His love, my life would be worth it.

Anyway, all of this to say, I picked them up from the airport last night & were looking at their pictures. They took pictures of the people’s backyard in Oregon & there’s a river running by their house. I hadn’t thought about it in forever, but I was immediately reminded of a prophetic dream I had about 2 years ago. Almost like I knew the place. Weird. So I get out my journal & below I’ve written out the two journal entries centered around the dream. I have no idea if there’s a correlation, but I know when a dream is from the Lord. I remember it differently & I believe that if the Lord gives me a dream, there’s something I’m supposed to take from it, whether a lesson, direction, or revelation. I had this one two months before I finally wrote it down because I couldn’t get it out of my head. I haven’t thought about it in forever, which is why I wonder if the Holy Spirit brought it to mind when I saw that picture. I’m going to leave it at that, post this, and pray for more direction.

4/4/06
I feel like the Lord wanted me to write this dream down that I had a couple of months ago:

As a preface, none of the faces in my dream are people that I currently know in real life. Me & my immediate family were going to take a trip to visit some old friends of my parents. All I knew about these people was that they lived in the middle of no where, loved Jesus, served/followed Him in maybe some unconventional ways, and that 2 of their children had died. So we pulled up to their house: it’s in the woods, leaves everywhere, a river runs beside their house. In the yard, we see a rather unusual sight. There is a grave/mound – not fresh, already covered with leaves – and a dead child lying on the ground next to the grave (boy). The child was stiff & gray/blue, so he had been dead for a significant amount of time. The reason his body was laying out is because every day (either 2 or 3 times), they take his body down to the river and baptize it, believing that god will bring their son back to life. Obviously, this was slightly unusual to us, but we continued on into the house. The mother is giving us the tour when she casually mentions that the spirit of her dead son visits her at night to chat. She said that sometimes this woman spirit comes also. Um, okay, so the inner turmoil starts here. (As if I wasn’t already racking my brain over the dead kid in the front yard!) First of all, I’m scared to death that I’m going to see these “spirits” in their house. Second, I’m so torn the whole dream as to what I think about what’s going on. Do I just have no faith, or are they total freaks?! I knew my parents trusted and loved these people, so I wanted to, too. I knew they loved Jesus, but obviously we lived very differently—who is right? Can I accept this? Etc. & I’m tormented with what to do & think. The End.

4/6/06
After telling my dream to about 4 different trusted friends & receiving blank stares, I told Dustin Randle. He, being the prophetic man that he is, had some suggestions as to interpretation.
- The fact that I didn’t know any of the people’s faces could have something to do with surrounding myself with a new community
- My immediate family could represent my immediate spiritual family, the people I’m walking with (John said I should be on the lookout for new “spiritual parents”)
- The traveling could have something to do with moving, visiting somewhere (church planting?)
- The dead boy could symbolize the church. That I may be part of a people who are believing that the church will come back to life.
- The buried child (Dustin thinks it’s a girl – not necessarily relevant) could represent discernment of knowing what to bury/let lie & what to believe for
- The torment could foretell of a confusion & finding of new faith in the near future
- The woman spirit could be some kind of spiritual guardian over the boy & visits the mom as encouragement to continue doing this seemingly foolish thing

Interestingly enough, this kind of correlates to my life right now:
- I’ve decided to move to Amarillo & be involved in the singles ministry at my mom’s church (new community, moving)
- Some man met mother & john at church & said that he felt like they would be on a church plan within 3 years (w/ me?)
- My friend Lindsey took me to dinner & said that she feels that the Lord very clearly told her to ask me to go with her wherever she goes after graduation next May. Does this give me a time frame in Amarillo? Will I teach ESL like her? Or will I do something totally different alongside her? I don’t know.

My roommate got a book/dictionary of dream symbols, so I’m going to see if there’s anything else in there (Habakkuk 2:23 “Write down the revelation and make it plain on tablets so that a herald may run with it. For the revelation awaits an appointed time; it speaks of the end and will not prove false. Though it linger, wait for it; it will certainly come and will not delay.”)
Autumn – transition, about to enter difficult times, end of something and beginning of another (Jeremiah 5:24)
Baptizing – a change from the natural to the spiritual. Dying to self, expression of the new man (Luke 3:3, Romans 6:4, Colossians 2:12)
Buried – permanent end to something (Colossians 2:12)
Death – dying to self usually
Family – Christian or spiritual family. Group of people in unified fellowship
House – one’s spiritual & emotional house, personality, or church
Leaves – dry leaves – pressures of life
River – movement of God, flow of the Spirit
Unknown Woman – messenger from God
Thinking – time of study, reflection, meditation, & intellectual exercise

A few weeks ago, my friend in life group, Teensy, gave me a word with these 2 verses:
- Habakkuk 2:3 (above)
- Zephaniah 3:17 – “The Lord your God is with you, he is mighty to save. He will take great delight in you, he will quiet you with His love, he will rejoice over you with singing.”

She said that she felt like my time in Amarillo would be a time of refreshment spiritually and that I am in a time of preparation.

Another girl in life group, Stephanie, has come up to me the past 2 weeks with a word about finding my “niche”, or a place I belong. She also said she sensed a prophetic gifting.

My roommate, Kelly, told me at the prophetic conference that she felt like I had a prophetic gifting.

drawn into His dance

I turned 25 a couple of weeks ago & I'm pretty excited about it, enjoying this new stage of life now that I'm--dum dum dum--halfway through my twenties, haha. Anyway, there were lots of fun birthday wishes/calls/cards that were special, but I received one call from my friend, Andrea that just really touched my heart. She called later in the evening & left me a message. She said that she had been at her house that night dancing & worshiping the Lord when she couldn't get me out of her mind. She said she almost felt like I was there dancing with her & started to wonder what I was up to that night on my birthday. She said that she kept hearing the phrase "He calls you beautiful" over and over in her mind and that the Lord was drawing me into His dance. As she was hearing that phrase, she just felt compelled to call me & tell me she was thinking & praying for me. Then she said that I'm being drawn into a wonderful dance with the Lord, that He's calling me beautiful, and that He loves to be with me. She said she was just feeling that so clearly and so real right then that she wanted to tell me.

Wow. How precious is that? How much more real is God when he's putting you on other's minds/hearts and speaking to you through them. The optimistic side of me wants to accept it as a blessing and feel so important that He cares enough to take other people's time to speak to me. The pessimistic side of me wonders if He spoke through Andrea because I'm not listening? I hope that's not the case, but it is possible.

Either way, it doesn't really matter. I think what does matter is that regardless of what's going on & how I'm feeling about myself or how I think others feel about me, I can rest assure that my Savior loves me. He wants to spend time with me. He thinks I'm beautiful. He is pleased with His creation. Who is more mighty that could I desire to please? None.

black & white

ok i started this one a while back, so it will probably start with some thoughts of a couple of weeks ago, then go to now...

i heard a sermon on character, specifically daniel's character in chapter 6. then i had a conversation with a friend about 2 kings 18 & 19, where king hezekiah trusted the Lord to deliver Israel out of the hands of Assyria when Assyria had defeated all of the surrounding countries, some more powerful. you may fail to see the correlation, but i left church yesterday morning thinking about what it means to have character. the points the pastor pointed out are:

• does not inflate the ego
• has congruent words & actions
• has a set of non-negotiables
• hears & tells the truth
• shows respect & manners

i think the point that stuck out to me the most was having a set of non-negotiables. i mean, in theory i know exactly what i believe & would like to think in situations that i will stick to them, but this does not necessarily prove true. this lesson leads me to believe that there is a black & white. i know it sounds stupid, but i don't get that. i don't get how something can hold true or be the right decision or thought in all situations. is that just me being selfish because i want to make the decisions i want to make & not feel bad about it? i don't know.

the above point was the last sermon series at my church. now there's one about how each of us are ministers. i know this to be true in theory, but what it really says to me is that i'm supposed to take on a lot of responsibility that i'm not sure i really want, to be honest. it's our responsibility to set an example & to remember that even if we don't realize it, there's always someone looking up to you to know what's ok & your decisions are always affecting more than just yourself. how can this really be true?! in less than a week i will be 25 years old. i live alone. i interact with people at will. i feel like most things i do in my life only affect me. granted, obviously i know that things i do at work or with my family or whatever affects them, that's not what i'm talking about. i'm talking about the other decisions. what i do with my friends & where i go. like when i "screw up", am i really affecting another person's life too? what if they are involved in said screw up? i don't think i blame or judge them for my decision. i make my own decisions. so how do i know if the people i'm around are really people who take responsibility for their own choices or will in some way blame me for their poor judgement?

i'm leading a small group for freshman girls & am scared to death that they are going to ask me what to do in a situation that i, at 25, still don't handle correctly. do i just give them the textbook answer & conceal that i, too, deal with that issue or do i get more personal & let them know they aren't alone, hoping they don't lean on that as an excuse to make wrong decisions like me? again, i don't know. this is where i'm confused about what's right. ideally, all people in leadership wouldn't make mistakes, but i don't see that happening anytime soon. i want to be a woman of character, i do, but right now that just sounds boring. it sounds too grown up. it sounds like i wouldn't get to have fun anymore & like no one would want to be around me.

welcome to my mind. :)

sensitivity

couple of random thoughts as of late:

first of all, the other day i was driving to the bank when i saw a commotion on the opposite side of the street. as i approached, i assumed it was a car accident, but upon closer inspection realized that a man was laying on his back in the middle of the street, his motorcycle about 20 feet away on it's side. people were gathered around him & a woman had taken the responsibility of directing traffic. i don't think he was dead, but the sight had the strangest effect on me. i called 911 in case no one had. it's one of those completely helpless situations where you know you can't physically do anything to contribute, but you still want to. i wonder if people in the medical profession appreciate or resent their obligation to stop in such cases. anyway, so i knew the best thing i could do in this situation was pray for the man. the second i opened my mouth to pray, my eyes filled with tears & my throat closed up so that i couldn't speak. i had no idea what was happening--i don't know this man, i don't know if he's even dead, why am i so upset? i couldn't figure it out. finally i was able to utter about a sentence prayer, but i really couldn't stop crying.

since then i've been thinking and wondering about this. sometimes i can pass by an accident where i can clearly see that people are not ok & am ashamed at how numb i am to it & here i see that a man has fallen off his bike & i'm inconsolable. it makes me wonder if there's a reason for this, like some kind of discernment about the person's soul. i just wonder if at certain times where i seem super sensitive to a situation if something is going on in the spiritual that i can't see in the natural, but that my spirit is attuned to. who knows. this is not to say that the people in accidents who know Jesus don't need prayer just as much, of course. this is one of those things that i don't really know if it matters, but i think it's important to just be aware and open to the Holy Spirit speaking to me in this way. even if it's not him, it prompts me to send up some extra prayers & that can never hurt, ha.

second random thought. it kind of bugs me that girls get a bad rap for being overly sensitive. now, before you turn me off completely, let me explain. there are more than plenty of girls who have been the reason for this bad connotation, so i understand where it comes from, but i'm talking about truly sensitive & soft hearts. it's my belief that the Lord is able to mold you like clay when you are softened enough to be pliable. also, He's more able to speak to you & teach you when you are sensitive enough to hear His Spirit's quiet voice. when i was growing up, i never wanted people to see me cry because i thought it meant that i was weak or would at least be viewed that way (i sound kind of like a boy), but i never wanted to be viewed as a weakling of a girl who couldn't do anything or lift heavy things or wrestle or whatever. now it's kind of a battle in my mind. there's still a part of me that wants to appear as though i've got it all under control, i can handle my circumstances, and i don't need healing because i'm not hurt. i think it's safe to say this is my flesh because my spirit longs for healing & growth, knowing that with that will come growing pains, more hurt, and dreaded tears.

i've started to notice how many more things affect me emotionally now that i'm a little older. for instance, things i watch on tv. i am so affected by people's lives & what they're going through/thinking/feeling in these lives that don't even exist. i get completely wrapped up & find myself responding emotionally the way i would were i in the situation i'm watching. because of this, i have to be careful what i watch. things that remind me of unpleasantries in my past that caused some pretty major wounds tend to re-open them, opening the floodgates too.

recently a friend & i were having a conversation about the differences of men & women. he asked me what i would change. i think he was expecting me to go off as girls are prone to do, but i've given this a lot of thought, so my answer is a little different. if i had the option to change something, i would make men a little more complicated & women a little more simple. like it would be nice if they had to juggle 2 things on their mind instead 1 & if we could only juggle 4 things instead of 6. i don't think it's widely known that we don't want to be as complicated as we are, it's just the way that it is. i digress. anyway, so i said that, but i followed it with the fact that i know we are both made in God's image. if this is the case, then i have to believe that He truly created us to complement each other. i think that this was probably a lot easier in the garden of Eden before the Fall. i think that since we live in a fallen world with so much evil penetrating our lives & thoughts that this is much more difficult than ever intended, but still very possible. i have to believe there's a reason each of us has our strengths & weaknesses. i want to believe that my sensitivity will play a positive role in my marriage someday, whether in my compassion towards my husband or in prayer over major life decisions.

which brings me back to the sensitivity thing. i would like to marry someone who sees this trait as a positive one, who sees the fact that i cry at all weddings & births as cute or sweet, instead of irritating. i'm considering reading wild at heart again because i really want to be prepared when the Lord deems it the right time for me to partner in life with someone. i want to appreciate our differences & use them as something that draws us closer as we enjoy learning more about each other, not as something that causes bitterness, resentment, & disappointment. i don't want to sound completely idealistic, like everything in a relationship will go perfect because i'm trying to understand who i'm with? no. i know there will be anger, i know there will be confusion, and i know there will be disapointment. i'm just saying that i really desire to learn as much as i can now about men & how God created them so that i can hopefully go back to that when the other things creep in.

i think i was going somewhere else with this thought too, but i've been distracted several time & have lost my train of thought.

the eyes of Jesus

i love worship music. it's amazing how a song can be so sweet & peaceful & powerful & life-changing all at once. i think it's cool that groupings of words meant to praise our creator reflect His complexity.

you know when pastors or worship leaders say something like, "i want you to close your eyes & just picture looking into the face of Jesus"? whenever i look into the eyes of Jesus in my mind's eye, 3 distinct images of him come to mind. first, his face is very close up with soft brown eyes full of love like a gentle, caring father that you want to sit in His lap. then, i picture the figure described in revelation: eyes like fire, robe, sharp sword coming out of his mouth, sceptor in hand--fierce & ready for battle. finally, i picture what can best be compared to king triton from the little mermaid--a father king who fully embodies the power of the king that you wouldn't want to be against in a war, yet exhibits kind & gentle love towards his children.

so all of these things enter my mind when worshipping through song. i feel like the best way for me to concentrate on who i'm singing to & what i'm saying is to picture the eyes of Jesus. sometimes it's almost like i see a pair of eyes in the darkness of the back of my own eyelids, which provides such peace, comfort, & affirmation. i know my Savior is there with me & He is pleased.

i'm currently listening to a song by Jill Phillips that always really speaks to my heart because i think even the toughest of us desires to be comforted & loved by our creator. she has such a sweet voice and i think it just helps us to see the compassionate side of our maker.

here's the words:

oh gently lay your head upon my chest

and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

the tide can change so fast, but I will stay

the same through past, the same in future, same today

I am constant, I am near

I am peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy, I am wise

I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires

oh weary, tired and worn,

let out your sighs and drop that heavy load you hold 'cause Mine is light

I know you through and through;

there's no need to hide

I want to show you love that is deep and high and wide

'cause I am constant, I am near

I am peace that shatters all your secret fears

I am holy, I am wise

I'm the only one who knows your heart's desires

oh gently lay your head upon my chest

and I will comfort you like a mother while you rest

blessed union of souls

well, they did it! bonnie & dustin got married this weekend! i can't believe it, but it was such a beautiful thing! it's funny that right now what keeps reunions of old friends going is that there's a wedding every couple of months, ha...this one was especially beautiful, not just in the natural, but especially in the spiritual sense! they have such a "song of solomon" romance. dustin really felt like the Lord told him he would be with bonnie, and so he relentlessly pursued her for two years before it was time for them to be together--two years! i can't even imagine a man being willing to pursue his beloved without much hope in the natural for that long. wow. the reason i say it is a song of solomon romance is because that's the way Jesus pursues us, his bride. on the front of bonnie & dustin's program, it read "because He first loved". that's so true. the only reason we even know what love is or how to sort of do it is because He's showed us. i had the honor of singing in the wedding with bonnie's brother & a friend. the music that bonnie & dustin chose created such a beautiful picture of how Jesus pursues his "dark, yet lovely" chosen bride, calls her away with him, and romances her. the last couple of songs were scripture straight from revelation, which is so powerful, and hallelujah. they left to a song about dancing on the golden streets of heaven!! i get tears in my eyes when i think about it because i think they have figured out what this marriage thing is about--they will glorify the Lord more as one than apart, and they will be a stronger warrior for the army of the Lord than they could have ever been alone. that's it. that's the point, i think. glory for God and being kingdom-minded. love like this that will continue unswervingly despite roadblocks and hardships is what i want in a husband. someone who will pursue me as Jesus pursues me. it blesses my heart so much to be assured that bonnie is married to a man who will pursue and love her until death parts them. it was awesome to listen to people talk about the two of them this weekend during the rehearsal dinner, toasts, etc., and just to be so reassured that my friend, a precious jewel, will now be under the covering of such a worthy man of God. there's so many weddings that you leave with that kind of uneasy feeling about the union, but this was truly a blessed union of souls. (no pun intended, ha ;) )

selfishness & surrender

Well it’s the day after Easter & I’m feeling a little weird. Not really physically (although my voice hasn’t fully recovered from being sick a while back & I have a wedding to sing in this weekend—yikes) but more like I just feel weird in my heart.

Even though I’m not sure how feasible it is, I’m ready for my walk with the Lord to not be such a roller coaster. I think that ultimately we can achieve a consistently growing relationship with the Lord despite earthly circumstances, but I seem to let my earthly circumstances & selfishness affect my walk with the Lord, thus perpetuating the roller coaster cycle. I know that when I mess up, I should confess it, ask for forgiveness, pick myself up & move on, choosing to make difference choices when put in that situation again. This way I wouldn’t waste time, but instead I beat myself up for a few days & go into hiding from the Lord. This just makes the situation worse because it’s like deep down I know he’s just standing there with arms open like the father in the prodigal son parable, waiting for me to “come home” and I’m still standing far away hesitating because I’m not sure it’s ok for me to come home yet. I know the truth in my head. It seems that my heart may still believe some lies, though.

The past month or so has been an odd mixture of revelation from the Lord & poor/not God-honoring decisions. You know how “they” say that truly loving someone is a choice not based on feelings? Well, this is proving very true in my life. With every decision I make, it seems I’m choosing God or the world. I can choose to be selfish or honor Him. It was only recently that I realized how selfish I really am based on what kind of decisions I’m making. When I think of what I should do, a lot of time my argument against it starts with, “but I want…”. What the crap? I hate that! What does it matter what I want when ultimately the Lord knows what is best for me! Why don’t I trust that?! I know that “earthly pleasures” are so fleeting, and I want eternal! But for some reason I find myself choosing the emptiness of earth instead of the treasures of heaven. Ugh.

This past week I’ve heard two “sermons” that really spoke to me. One of them was on complete surrender & one of them was on resurrection power. Obviously the complete surrender one is self-explanatory, but he really just spoke truth with no “frills” and that’s how I learn best—truth straight from the Word. The resurrection power sermon was mostly about receiving “resurrection power” through your faith in trusting Jesus enough to let the areas of your life that you’re trying to get satisfaction from die. The resurrection comes in when you’re letting him bring life to all areas of your life, not striving to create true life with limited human capabilities. This sermon used the story from Luke 8 with the bleeding woman and the dead girl, both receiving resurrection power through faith.

I guess I’m not coming to any major conclusions here except that I do truly want to get all of my satisfaction in Jesus. That’s just proving to be really hard to live out sometimes. Also, when I am unfaithful to my Jesus, it makes me worry about what kind of wife I will be. Perhaps this is why the Lord has not brought the person I am to walk through life with yet, maybe He’s not done preparing me. Who knows? Obviously, I want to be fully prepared to love someone second to Jesus before I’m put in that position, I want to be in a place of drawing them nearer to the Lord through our relationship, and I don’t want to settle for just someone who is willing to give me attention, ha. All of this to say, if waiting longer means that I will be better prepared for my beloved, both in earthly & heavenly marriage, then so be it. He knows best & I need to remember that.

The picture of the rainbow represents hope.

Pat Green and Jesus

Let me just start by saying that I love music. The music I listen to is based solely on the mood of the moment, and it would suffice to say that there are few moods that Pat Green, (Three Days specifically) doesn’t satisfy. I always analyze the lyrics to songs, wondering what the author meant or was feeling when they wrote them. So as I’m listening to Pat Green, I noticed that he mentions Jesus a lot in his songs, not in vain, but in a personal way—I like that. I love Jesus, so it makes me happy to think that Pat might, too. Either way, I wanted to analyze some lyrics from this album that always stick out to me when listening.

Threadbare Gypsy Soul

“I can't change and it's a sin
Hope St. Peter gonna let me in
Come on Pete won't you let me in”

“I know this crazy living just ain't right
Most of the time I'm smoking, drinking, looking for a fight
But I've been talking to Jesus every day
I've been talking to Jesus every day”

“And I got this girl back home I call my wife
If you ever met her I swear she would change your life
She's gotta little wild streak in her heart
But she's been saying hallelujah every day”

“I can't change and it might be a sin
Hope St. Peter gonna let me in
Got my gypsy soul to bare, Amen”

This bugs me because it’s like he knows he’s not living in a way that honors Jesus, but seems to think he can beg Peter to let him into heaven? I know Peter’s “the rock” and all, but I’m pretty sure he doesn’t have anything to do with salvation, nor do I think he stands at the “gates of heaven.” I have no idea where this concept came from, but it makes me sad, but then Pat says that he’s been talking to Jesus everyday, kind of like he’s been doing better lately, and maybe understanding that a personal relationship with Jesus will change his desires for the way he wants to live his life? Next I want to know why he "calls" this girl his wife—is she actually his wife or what? I like how he praises her, but again it’s like he thinks: we’re all wild, but we can earn our way out of it in the end by saying a few prayers here and there after the fact. Finally, I wonder if there’s any reason he changed “it’s a sin” to “it might be a sin” in the last chorus. Who knows if he even thought much about any of it, ha.

Who’s to Say

“Yeah, I don't go to church too much,
but I know that Jesus truly loves me
And if he was here I'd be drinking beer and
Hanging out and saving all of my friends, Amen”

“I am my own at least until the Man come and take me home”

“she's been church more than Billy Graham
And she knows the Bible like the back of her hand
Yeah, but she drinks gin like it's going out of style
Oh, it makes me smile”

“I am my own at least until the angels come,angels gonna come and take me home”

I love the first phrase about Jesus truly loving him, and I, too, would like to think that if Jesus were here walking on earth right now that we’d go out for a beer—why not? Ok, is the “Man” Jesus? I don’t know because he’s talking about angels taking him home at the end. I think my favorite part about this song is that it’s just talking about how we all carry out our lives differently, but beyond the blatant right & wrong, who are we to judge each other, you know? This is such a hard topic because on the one hand, I hate legalistic Christianity, but that, too, can be taken to an opposite extreme that says do whatever you want, etc. I’m not condoning that you live however you want, obviously. I know there’s a standard that we’re held to, but I think that we’ve created way too many human standards that take away from the Lord’s intention with His, which promotes life to the fullest, not rules to take away fun.

Wrong Side of Town

“A guardian angel up in the sky
And make me believe you no hill for a climber
Ask me no questions and tell you no lies”

“Jesus was wrong about all the sinners
That we’d take a stump for a sign of the times
Running for shelter like nobody’s business
You don’t even notice the face of the sky”

So I’ve been attracted to books as of late that involve spiritual warfare, and I would really like to think that we each have a guardian angel. I’m just throwing it out there—I don’t think we really know either way, but I would like to think that. Secondly, I have no idea what this next verse means, but I think it just annoys me that he says Jesus was wrong.

We've All Got Our Reasons

“If I ever get to heaven and I got one question
Hope the Good Lord ain't offended
Gave me a world of pain between the cradle and the grave
Is that what was intended
I don't have to know why he put the stars in the sky
Or fooled with the changes of seasons
I guess we've all got our reasons”

I don’t think that the Lord is ever offended by our questions, but I have to say that’s a dumb question, Pat. If he knew the Lord’s character at all or had read Genesis 1, then he would know that it was never the Lord’s intention that we experience a “world of pain.” But, we live in a fallen world where Satan reigns for the time being, and where evil exists, pain follows. Yes it sucks, but there is victory in the end. Yay!

Count Your Blessings

Mama always said stand up to the truth
There ain’t no such thing as the fountain of youth
Two wrongs never made it right
Grass ain’t always greener on the other side
Better save your money for a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

Only Will Rogers never met a man he didn’t like
Always throw the first punch when it comes to a fight
It ain’t over till it’s over and the fat lady sings
Only quitters and losers throw the towel in the ring
Well I hope you ain’t working on a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

It’s a hush my mouth land sakes alive
I don’t believe that fishermen smell the same when they die
Never put the cart before the horse
Unless he knows how to push it of course
Seems like I’m always dreaming on a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

And it was grandpa who said son you can’t buy love
You can jump in with both feet, but don’t jump the gun
Stay out of trouble count your lucky stars
Never get drunk in two states inside the same bar
Seems like I’m always drinking on a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

Grandma who said silence is golden
You only answer to one he’s the almighty beholder
Bird in the hand is better than two in the nest
Don’t count your chickens before they hatch
Always save the loving for a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

Talk being cheap well I took their advice
And the older I get the more I know they were right
Works for me may not work for you
Everything I said was the goddang truth
Well I hope you ain’t lonely on a rainy day
Count your blessings come as they may

And they’re etched in my mind I can never forget ‘em
See it ain’t what you said just how you said it

Ok I just like this song because I think it’s hilarious, plus it also makes some excellent points. I’m impressed that so many “words of wisdom” can be combined to create one song while still rhyming! I think my two favorite lines are “I don’t believe fishermen smell the same when they die” (hahaha!) and “never get drunk in two states inside the same bar.” I would love to say that I went to a bar that sat on a state line. It would really help in my quest to visit all the states.

This may have been really boring, but every time I’m in my car listening to this cd, I think about what he’s saying or what he possibly means, and always want to look at the lyrics to see just how many times he talks about Jesus, so here it is. Now I can quit trying to remember what I think: it’s already out there, so I can just sit back and enjoy the song for what it is.

claim victory through imperfection

my thoughts, as promised:

man, all of this scripture & this teaching make me so excited! i love how straightforward the scripture is...obviously, the words in bold are what spoke to me the most (i.e. "will, till, when"), so i don't know exactly how they impact others, but there's just so much promise in those words, and we know the Lord is faithful to his promises! it's also so exciting to be able to already claim victory, for when we know the Lord's will, we can thank Him in advance for the completion of it!

here's what i kind of wonder sometimes, though: (and, just for the record, i'm aware that this is probably another waste of brain power) if God knows everything, always did, always will, then He knew that things weren't going to work out the way He'd prefer in the beginning, and He knew that it was going to take all of the Old Testament time period before Jesus came on the scene through "the family", and He knew that His people would reject Him, that He'd have to bring the Gentiles into His family, and so on and so on, so why even bother? the truth that i know is that "in all things God works for the good of those who love him, who have been called according to his purpose" (Romans 8:28), so i know that if He decided to run things this way, it must be better for us in the end, but ultimately, must be for the purpose of bringing more glory to Him for that is pretty much the purpose of our existence.

ok then here's a heavier thought: while this is so exciting, it also reveals a LOT of responsibility. i mean, we, as believers, already have a great responsibility, but for some reason this just seems to really add to it.

completely unrelated side note: the weather has been dreary all day, i mean torrential downpour, hail, flooding rains off & on, and now--the sun is shining through my window! i think the weather here is more random than any place i've ever been, and i have to say i like it, except when caught in a short sleeve shirt & flip flops outside during the work day, where you are still expected to look presentable, haha...

back to responsibility...i think it seems to add to it because it kind of brings up stuff that you keep hidden in the back of your mind that you aspire to do "someday." you know? for me, that's major intercessory prayer & fasting. these things REALLY speak to me, like tug at my heart, i mean. but if we're being honest, and i think we are, i totally forget to fast. how embarrassing is that? i mean, even if i set a day, then i'll be going along my merry way, eating all day, and about dinner time or as i'm going to bed, i think "dang it! i was going to fast today!"

let me take this opportunity to say that my personality is "do things completely right in full the first time or don't even bother"...this is good and bad. it's also a very "first-born" mentality, just saying. so this attitude often overflows into things like cleaning my house, making my bed, cleaning out my car, umm even stuff like painting my nails, reading, or writing in my journal. if i don't have time to wash all of my dishes, i won't even start because you won't be able to tell anyway, so it will be like i did nothing--it won't "count". if i don't have time to write a complete journal entry, i won't even start (bad). all of this to say, it usually looks like laziness or procrastination to the outsider, another frustration to me because i know if i do something, i'm going to do it right & see it through to completion (good), the problem is finding time to do it right. ok so i'm starting to seem a little like a crazy person, but that's ok because i'm aware that this is not a positive thing about me, and am in the process of working on it. not to say i'm lowering my standards, but working on getting things started, even when i don't have time to completely finish them, because it will make my life way easier later on.

wow, what was i even talking about? oh yes, prayer & fasting. if anyone is interested in a good, excuse me, GREAT book on the subject, may i recommend the hidden power of prayer & fasting by mahesh chavda--amazing.

so i think that sometimes i get caught up in "doing things right" too much to realize that the Lord is just looking at our heart condition/motivation and how we desire to please Him and glorify Him with our lives. He knows we're going to mess up! (the bold is for my benefit)He's not mad at me when i aspired to read two chapters in one sitting, but only read one. He's not mad at me because i spent 29 minutes instead of 30 with Him in one setting. He doesn't hold it against me that i forgot to fast one day. These are the kind of lies that satan puts in my head, tormenting me with my own tendencies--jerk. man, i wonder if we can ever know the heart of God enough to catch these lies before they begin, eliminating them & claiming victory? i suspect we can.

so i got this teaching from IHOP (international house of prayer) in kansas city...it's an amazing place! i went to one of their conferences called "onething" one time & have really never been the same. anyway, all of that to say that i downloaded--for free--about 85 teachings from IHOP on itunes & they are incredible! if you are interested in prophetic singing, fasting, end times, israel, prophecy, church, well all things awesome, really, then you should check itout. it's under the "itunes store" ...type "onething" in the search...scroll down to "podcasts"...click on "yearn, faint, cry"...go to your "podcasts" section...click arrow to display options, and click "get" next to the ones you want!

salvation of Israel

These are notes I took yesterday on a teaching. I'll post them, then post my thoughts on them later.

Notes on “God’s Purpose for Israel” by Wes Hall, an instructor at the Forerunner School of Ministry at the International House of Prayer in Kansas City

Isaiah 62:6-7 – “I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they will never be silent day or night. You who call on the Lord, give yourselves no rest, and give him no rest till he establishes Jerusalem and makes her the praise of the earth.”

- God has put intercessors on Jerusalem’s walls. There’s another group (those who call on the Lord) that are to give God no rest until He makes Jerusalem a praise in the whole earth – this is a mandate for all believers!

Romans 11:1 – “I do not want you to be ignorant of this mystery, brothers, so that you may not be conceited; Israel has experienced a hardening in part until the full number of the Gentiles has come in. And so all Israel will be saved, as it is written: ‘The deliverer will come from Zion; he will turn godlessness away from Jacob. And this is my covenant with them when I take away their sins.’”

- This is about understanding the place Israel’s people have in God’s plan & Gentiles help in saving God’s chosen people
- If we are ignorant of this subject, we end up opposing God himself & falling away

Isaiah 56:7b – “for my house will be called a house of prayer for all nations.”

- God is raising up a prayer movement for the salvation of Israel!
- When the Bible says “Jerusalem”, “Zion,” or “Israel” – understand that it means the literal places!
- God still has one people – Gentiles have been “grafted” in!

Romans 10-11 – “1…my heart’s desire and prayer to God for the Israelites is that they may be saved…4 Christ is the end of the law so that there may be righteousness for everyone who believes….9 That if you confess with your mouth, ‘Jesus is Lord,’ and believe in your heart that God raised him from the dead, you will be saved….12 there is no difference between Jew and Gentile—the same Lord is Lord of all and richly blesses all who call on him, 13 for, ‘Everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved. 14 How, then, can they call on the one they have not believed in? And how can they believe in the one of whom they have not heard? And how can they hear without someone preaching to them? 15 And how can they preach unless they are sent? As it is written ‘How beautiful are the feet of those who bring good news!’…18 But I ask: did they not hear? Of course they did: ‘Their voice has gone out into all the earth, their words to the ends of the world.’ 19 Again I ask: Did Israel not understand? First Moses says, ‘I will make you envious by those who are not a nation; … (11:1) I ask then: Did God reject his people? By no means! I am an Israelite myself, a descendant of Abraham, from the tribe of Benjamin. 2 God did not reject his people; whom he foreknew….5 at the present time there is a remnant chosen by grace. 6 And if by grace, then it is no longer by works; if it were, grace would not longer be grace….8 ‘God gave them a spirit of stupor, eyes so that they could not see and ears so that they could not hear, to this very day.’…11 because of their transgression, salvation has come to the Gentiles to make Israel envious….13 Inasmuch as I am the apostle to the Gentiles, I make much of my ministry 14 in the hope that I may somehow arouse my own people to envy and save some of them. 15 For if their rejection is the reconciliation of the world, what will their acceptance be but life from the dead? ...16b if the root is holy, so are the branches. 17 If some of the branches have been broken off, and you, though a wild olive shoot, have been grafted in among the others and now share in the nourishing sap from the olive root, 18 do not boast over those branches. If you do, consider this: You do not support the root, but the root supports you. 19 You will say then, ‘Branches were broken off so that I could be grafted in.’ 20 Granted. But they were broken off because of unbelief, and you stand by faith. Do not be arrogant, but be afraid. 21 For if God did not spare the natural branches, he will not spare you either….23 And if they do not persist in unbelief, they will be grafted in, for God is able to graft them in again. 24 After all, if you were cut out of an olive tree that is wild by nature, and contrary to nature were grafted into a cultivated olive tree, how much more radily will these, the natural branches, be grafted into their own olive tree!”

- While we are all part of God’s family, we have unique, individual roles – no one is better or worse off automatically
- God says He has great zeal for Zion/Jerusalem

Isaiah 62:1 – “For Zion’s sake, I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch.”

- Everything God does is for the sake of Jerusalem until she becomes holy – at that time the earth will be filled with the glory of the Lord as the water covers the seas.

Ezekiel 36:23 – “I will show the holiness of my great name, which has been profaned among the nations, the name you have profaned among them. Then the nations will know that I am the Lord, declares the Sovereign Lord, when I show myself holy through you before their eyes.”

- There will be a period of revival, restoration, & redemption for the whole earth, that will be ushered in when Israel takes its place before the Lord with its saving knowledge—then the nations will know who God is!

Romans 9:1-3 – “I speak in truth in Christ—I am no lying, my conscience confirms it in the Holy Spirit—2 I have great sorrow and unceasing anguish in my heart. 3 For I could wish that I myself were cursed and cut off from Christ for the sake of my brothers, those of my own race, the people of Israel.”

- Paul had grief in his heart continually—he, an apostle to the Gentiles—said he would give up his salvation to see Israel come to know Jesus. He said that’s why he preaches to Gentiles because the response of the Gentiles will provoke Israel to say yes to Jesus.
- Why Jerusalem?? Why Israel??
- Israel is like that piece of the puzzle that you cannot find where it goes, but once

it is in place, the rest comes together, it all makes sense.
- God’s overall plan: to bring everything together on heaven & earth in Christ. Blend the spiritual & natural realms:

Ephesians 1:9-10 – “And he made known to us the mystery of his will according to his good pleasure, which he purposed in Christ, 10 to be put into effect when the times will have reached their fulfillment—to bring all things in heaven and on earth together under one head, even Christ.”

- Restoration! This is God dwelling with man on earth!
- God created mankind for earth, not heaven & wants to dwell with us here forever.

Revelation 21:3 – “Now the dwelling of God is with men, and he will live with them. They will be his people, and God himself will be with them and be their God.”

- The problem is that currently earth is in bondage to decay.

Romans 8:19-21 – “The creation waits in eager expectation for the sons of God to be revealed. 20 For the creation was subjected to frustration, not by its own choice, but by the will of the one who subjected it, in hope 21 that the creation itself will be liberated from its bondage to decay and brought into the glorious freedom of the children of God.”

- If the new Jerusalem came down right now & connected with earth, earth would be destroyed. It must first be restored to a state of compatibility, of holiness, righteousness.
- God is committed to redeem & restore this planet!

- Who will restore the earth?
- In Genesis 1, God gave man authority, and it still holds true even though we failed, so a man must be used to restore the earth.
- Where is this man who can do this?
- The entire Old Testament is the story of the family that would bring this God-man who has the ability to restore the earth, making it ready for God to dwell here with us forever.
- God chose that family, the people of Israel; before Abraham, there were no Jews.

Acts 3:21 – “He must remain in heaven until the time comes for God to restore everything, as he promised long ago through his holy prophets.”

- The earth is waiting for all things to be restored, for Jesus to return!
- Creation is longing, groaning to be liberated from this bondage to decay!
- At the moment, our spirits are the only things that move from glory to glory to glory; everything else on earth eventually decays or dies or ceases to exist. Once liberated, all things created will only get better and better and better.
- We’re so used to things aging and living so far below what God intended
- When Jesus returns, he will restore all things!
- The family God chose to redeem the earth were the Jews, Jesus was the “Son of David”
- David’s throne – Jerusalem/Zion
- David’s Kingdom – Israel
- Jesus is like a president that has been elected, but not yet inaugurated. He’s not yet exercising his power.
- The inauguration ceremony is the salvation of Israel! Jesus is waiting to be invited to be king over Israel. He will not force himself on them. He wants to be wanted.
- Jesus says to the leaders of Israel before he is crucified that they will see him no more until they call out, “Blessed is the name of the Lord!”
- Promises of the New Jerusalem: City on a hill that cannot be hidden, filled with the manifest presence of God, over each dwelling a cloud by day & fire by night, nothing unholy allowed to exist there
- At the time of Jesus’ return, Satan will be sent to prison for 1,000 years, the amount of time it will take for Jesus to restores the earth. Then Satan will be cast into a lake of fire. Then God will dwell with His people on earth for all eternity.
- Because of this plan, Satan is mad. He’s like the president that’s still in office, but has lost his power. He’ll take advantage of every loophole, especially the one stipulation Jesus set up—not coming back until invited by Israel.
- Satan will do whatever it takes to wipe out Jews & destroy Jerusalem.
- Satan’s focus is on wiping out the Jewish people to keep Jesus from returning & establishing His kingdom so he doesn’t have to go to prison/lake of fire.
- Satan puts animosity between Jews & Gentiles, examples throughout history:
- The Crusades
- The Inquisition
- The Holocaust
- Growing Anti-Semitism
- Trouble is coming to Israel & many will die

Jeremiah 30:7 – “How awful that day will be! None will be like it. It will be a time of trouble for Jacob, but he will be saved out of it.”

- God will not allow the nation to be wiped out completely.
- If the Jewish people are the vehicle to Jesus’ return, then the church is the vehicle to the salvation of Israel—that’s where we come in! It is critical that we understand this! This starts in the place of prayer!!

Romans 11:31 – “so they too have now become disobedient in order that they too may now receive mercy as a result of God’s mercy to you.”

Romans 11:11 – (see above)

- The goal of your life is to provoke those of natural Israel to jealousy that they would receive Jesus, that Jesus would return, and all things made new! It starts with prayer.
- How will they be provoked?
- Only if the church actually looks like Jesus and has something to offer
- God gave a portion of his Holy Spirit to the church & said, “Live in the power of the

Holy Spirit in the face of Israel! Let them see you live this way, like Jesus.”
- We have not been the kind of witness to Israel as to provoke them to jealousy—we

are so full of our own ideas & agendas, therefore Israel is not impressed, much less

provoked.
- As you stand in prayer for Israel, God will release His spirit of prophesy on the church

Isaiah 62: 1-7 – “For Zion’s sake I will not keep silent, for Jerusalem’s sake I will not remain quiet, till her righteousness shines out like the dawn, her salvation like a blazing torch. 2 The nations will see your righteousness, and all kings your glory; you will be called by a new name that the mouth of the Lord will bestow. 3 You will be a crown of splendor in the Lord’s hand, a royal diadem in the hand of your God. 4 No longer will they call you Deserted, or name your land Desolate. But you will be called Hephzibah (‘my delight is in her’), and your land Beulah (‘married’); for the Lord will take delight in you, and your land will be married. 5 As a young man marries a maiden, so will your sons marry you; as a bridegroom rejoices over his bride, so will your God rejoice over you. 6 I have posted watchmen on your walls, O Jerusalem; they will never be silent day or night. You who call on the Lord, give yourselves no rest, 7 and give him no rest till he establishes Jerusalem and makes her the praise of the earth.

Joel 2:28-32 – “And afterward, I will pour out my Spirit on all people, Your sons and daughters will prophesy, your old men will dream dreams, your young men will see visions. 29 Even on my servants, both men and women, I will pour out my Spirit in those days. 30 I will show wonders in the heavens and on the earth, blood and fire and billows of smoke. 31 The sun will be turned to darkness and the moon to blood before the coming of the great and dreadful day of the Lord. 32 And everyone who calls on the name of the Lord will be saved; for on Mount Zion and in Jerusalem there will be deliverance, as the Lord has said, among the survivors whom the Lord calls.”

- As the church gives God no rest for the sake of Israel’s salvation, God says he will not rest or be silent. God will speak in response to our prayers. God speaks through prophesy—the testimony of Jesus.
- It starts with prayer & understanding God’s zeal for Jerusalem. Its not about God having a favorite. It’s about God’s desire to fill all nations with his glory, to restore the whole earth.

Genesis 12:3b – “and all peoples on earth will be blessed through you [Abraham].”

Zechariah 2:8 – “for whoever touches you touches the apple of his eye [Israel].”